Say Something

The thing about grief is that it only takes time to move beyond it. When someone is grieving it does not mean they need advice on how not to grieve or even on how to grieve appropriately. When someone is grieving it does not mean that they are in a negative mindset or are in danger of hurting themselves. When someone is grieving it doesn't mean they are looking for someone who "knows how it feels". Everyone experiences grief in their own way. Regardless of how similar your experience was ... it is physically impossible to experience grief in the same way.

This got me thinking about what is an apporpriate thing to say to someone who is grieving and what are things that should be avoided. Obviously, this isn't an all inclusive list and isn't true for every single person ... but I think it is a start. When people respond to someone who is grieving with something that is on the "to be avoided" list, it doesn't make them a bad person. I think as humans we respond in the only way we know how ... and sometimes that makes the griever feel uncomfortable - even though that is not our intention. So perhaps this list will provide some food for thought?


Things You Should Say To Somenoe Who Is Grieving

• I am so sorry for your loss.
• Your dad/mom/sister/brother/child/friend was an amazing person.
• They will be missed. 
• Is there anything I can do to help? 
• Here, have a piece of chocolate. 
• Let's go have a glass of (wine/beer/liquor) when you are ready.
• I'm so sorry you are suffering. 
• What are things I can do for you at work while you are gone? 
• What errands can I run for you?
• Can I grocery shop for you?
• Can I give you a hug? 

Things You Should NOT Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

• How are you? 
• I know excatly how you feel.
• At least ... (you got to say goodbye, had a few weeks, s/he isn't suffering...)
• They are in a better place now.
• God must have needed them for something. 
• S/he is with the angels/God/Jesus now.
• Time will heal this wound.
• You need to be more positive about this. 
• At least they died doing something they loved.
• It was his/her time to go.
• You need to be strong for ______.
• God will never give you more than you can handle. 

We have all been the person that said or did something on the "do not say" list. That doesn't make us bad people - in fact I know that I have done it in the past. Sometimes it is impossible to know what to say unless you have gone through a situtation that requires grief. Even if you HAVE gone through a situation that causes you to grieve ... you still might not know what to say. In the case that you truly have no idea what to say ... the best thing is to be silent and just listen. Give the person a hug and listen if they want to talk. If they don't want to talk ... then just be there. Stand next to them, hold their hand, give them a hug. 

And know, that even if you say something that causes the grieving person to shudder and feel bad ... it isn't your fault. Everybody does it, but here is another great time to think before you speak and treat others how you would want to be treated. 

Finally, loss is loss but it is 100% impossible for you to "know how someone feels" because every relationship is unique.