Time

Time is an interesting thing. We measure it in numerous and different ways.

To a child waiting to spring from their seat and go out for a recess, a minute feels like an hour.
To a child having the time of their life at a sleepover, an hour feels like a minute.
To a college freshman frantically trying to finish their exam, a minute slips through their fingers like water.
To a college freshman anxiously awaiting the arrival of their family, a minute feels like ages.
To an adult who is mourning a loved one, a year feels like the blink of an eye and yet also the length of a decade.

We all measure time in different ways and our concept of time changes depending on what we are doing, working towards or hoping for. How can time be something so concretely fluid?

Is there a way to stop time and soak up the love we feel? Or is there a way to speed up time in moments of immense heartbreak and loneliness?

Today, my students and I were reading a Time For Kids and exploring the greatest inventions of 2016. We were looking at and discussing the Tiangong 2 space station and a student raised their hand high into the sky. You know, the kind of hand raise that looks like they are going to take off from their seat? I was sure his comment would not be at all connected to our discussion, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"Ms. Green! Do you think they'll invent a time machine? Because I know how to travel through time!"

While this comment made me giggle a little bit (inside) ... it got me thinking about what I would do with a time machine. With a machine that would allow us to literally bend the constraints of time... When would I go? Who would I go see? And how would my arrival change our future?

I'm sure we all can name a definitive moment in our history that we would love to "replay" or "redo" or "remove" from our history ... but at what cost? Would it be worth it to see a loved one again, even if it might cause greater heartache?

I don't have the answers ... I can't even share my opinion. But the concept of time is definitely an interesting one.

When would you go? Who would you see? 

This Is Your Sign

We humans live our lives by the grace of signs.

We wake up in the morning to an alarm blaring - a sign it is time to start our day.
We come running when we hear our personal ringtone - a sign that someone is calling.
We glance at our phone when the text tone goes off - a sign that you have a message.
We listen to bells ring at school - a sign it is time to switch classes, eat lunch or go to recess.
We keep our eyes open when driving to see yields, no right turns - signs that keep us safe in the car.
We wait for the red light to turn off on the stove - a sign that the oven is preheated.
We carefully label our businesses - signs that welcome customers in.
We take our temps if our heads feel hot - a sign that we are sick.
We check labels for warnings - signs of what not to do.
We even deliver signs to people when they make a dumb move by saying, "Here's your sign!"

But there is one type of sign that we obsessively look for, desperately searching the skies for a sign. This is a sign that we may or may not see. It is a sign that could be right in front of our face, though we are completely oblivious to it.

This particular type of sign is one that I, personally, yearn to see. It is a sign from Heaven.
A sign from my dad that says, "Don't worry, I am okay."
A sign that says, "I love you."
A sign that says, "I am proud of you."
A sign that says, "I'm here."
A sign that says, "You will be a beautiful bride."
A sign that says, "You will be a great mother."
A sign that says, "I miss you."

But what is it? What does a sign from Heaven, from our loved one really look like? Did you know that they actually make top 10 lists about this? I mean, who sat there and polled the world asking what type of sign they believe they saw and then compiled a top 10 list? But they did ... and here it is. (Though you should know that despite saying they are a top 10 ... they are really a top 9)

1. Dream Visitation
2. Strange Electrical Occurrences
3. Feeling their Presence
4. Smelling their Scent
5. Show up as an Insect, or an Animal
6. Moving Objects or Placing Objects in your Path
7. Communicate a Message
8. Increased Number of Coincidences
9. Visions

If you ask me, this list is pretty vague. So anytime the lights flicker I should assume it is my dad? My grandpa? Anytime a bug crosses my path or a deer shows up, I should assume it is him? I don't know if I buy it.

Saying this, the other day there was a majestic deer standing by the bike rack when I got to work in the morning. We stared, frozen, at each other for awhile - neither of us daring to move. Then a car drove past and broke our trance and the deer gracefully ran away. I admit that for a few moments I did wonder if it was my dad. Ultimately, I thought that it was a nice thought but couldn't say if it was a sign or just another deer hanging out at school, which they commonly do.

How do we know if it is a sign? When is a coincidence a coincidence and when is it a sign? I don't have the answers to this - at all. But I do know that I wish I would obviously, and conclusively receive a sign from above. A sign from my dad who I fiercely miss.

So, here I sit. Begging the dear Lord above for a sign. Hoping that when or if it does appear that it smacks me in the face so that I absolutely know it is what it is.

Grief

Dad died 11 days ago. 11 days ago my "normal" fell apart. How did he go from being healthy with a cold to dead in a mere 6 weeks. What in the actual fuck. There wasn’t enough time. Okay, I realize that there isn’t ever enough time. But 6 weeks?

The past 11 days have been a rollercoaster of emotions. Grieving the loss of a father as a daddy’s girl is an interesting experience, especially when you add in the grief of a future lost... 

They say there are stages of grief. The number of stages varies depending on which model you look at. Some contain shock and some don’t. The most common has 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Grief is considered to be a fluid route with consistent change. You may find yourself in denial, then feel a bout of anger and then slide back into denial. I think that is a bunch of shit. I don’t think that you experience one stage of grief in isolation. It isn’t a stoplight that you sit at for awhile before deciding to reverse to go back or put on the gas to go forward..

More appropriately, grief is a giant messed up game of twister. You find yourself with your right hand on anger, left foot twisted behind you to land on depression, left hand on bargaining with your head smack dab in the middle of denial all the while your right foot stretches as far as it can towards the farthest corner of the mat for acceptance. Before your know it your limbs are twisted and your head is weighing you down and suddenly you find yourself in a jumbled heap on the mat.

So you get up and you try again. Right hand on Bargaining. Left hand on Denial. Right foot on Anger and Left foot on Depression. This time your head reaches for acceptance but you find your heart bringing you back down to the mat into a mess of tears and heartache.

When does it stop? Every day you get up and you hope to spin the wheel to land on the perfect combination of moves that ultimately allows you to move towards acceptance. There is no specific end date.

What can help? Nothing. Time. Continuing to spin the wheel and picking yourself up off the mat and trying again. This is the only way to conquer grief.

As my dad has said throughout this whole journey through Cancerland - one day at a time.