Tomorrow and Other Thoughts

Tomorrow marks one year. It marks one year from our world imploding. It marks one year from feeling the world being spun on its axis and finding it impossible to find your footing. Tomorrow marks one year.

February 16. It is a day that most people won't bat an eyelash at. It is just a day, mid-February. Just a day in the shortest month of the year that always feels like the longest. But for us? For the Green family, it marks one year from the date that we got the worst news. It marks the date that we found out our beloved dad, husband, friend, brother, and son had terminal cancer. A disease that had no end in his body and that had no treatment and certainly no cure.

Tomorrow, a year ago, started like any other day. I went to work and I made plans with my love and a friend of ours. We had plans to double date that night, it was a Tuesday and we had planned to go to Wine Guyz for date night. Even as I sat at home, anxiously awaiting Erek's arrival so that we could meet our friends for dinner, I didn't realize anything was amiss. I didn't feel the slight shift in my universe that would soon come crashing down.

It wasn't until my eldest sister sent me a text asking if I could go out to my parents with her that night that anything seemed wrong. You see, this wasn't something that we did. We didn't just drop by my parents house because it was 30 minutes away, in the middle of the country. People didn't just drop by their house.  You always called or texted or facebook messaged to make sure they would be there after driving the distance. When I explained I had plans and she insisted I come with, I knew immediately that it was going to be bad. Denial set in and I couldn't bring myself to face the facts. Denial set in as I refused to listen to the bubbling terror that started in my toes as it shoved the word 'cancer' to the forefront of my mind no matter how many shields my hear threw in its way. I lived in that state of denial until Erek walked in.

Once he walked in, I crumbled. I crumbled to the floor and felt all semblance of hope going with it. With him by my side I could face the truth no matter how much I didn't want to. I sobbed. And I cried. And I wailed. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person as I explained the few facts that I knew and asked him to drive me to my sister's house so that we could go out and deliver the bad news. He was so supportive in that moment and the far too few weeks to come.

525,600 minutes. That is the amount of time that will have passed since our world exploded. While I can't believe it has been that long even though it feels infinitely longer ... I think to myself about the changes that have occurred in that time ...

Kindness has been spread. He preached the importance of kindness and helping others. His vision has spread and people he didn't even meet are committing acts of kindness in his honor.

Life has continued despite our best attempts to freeze time. I got engaged, my brother remodeled his house, we bought and completely remodeled my moms house, puppies were adopted, children grew and we all became a year older. Tears have been shed, laughter has emerged, and memories have been cherished. Loved ones have married and babies were conceived. The youngest grandchildren happily look at his picture and exclaim, "Bumpa!"

While I know he would have given anything to be here for all the happiness, he would have lost some faith in humanity due to our recent election and with that the state of the Union. The very fact that our government is working to break down the protections we have for our natural world would have hurt him deeply. The very fact that we have to have an "Alternative National Parks" page would have caused great dismay. The very fact that our nation is discussing building a wall to keep those who need our help out, would have depressed him. I am glad that he does not know of this heartbreak.

A lot has happened ... and as we head into tomorrow and and the memories that will most certainly flood our memories and knock us all on our assess in the coming weeks .... I ask that you continue to spread seeds of kindness in his honor. Remember the happy times and work to support those around you who need our help. 

This Is Your Sign

We humans live our lives by the grace of signs.

We wake up in the morning to an alarm blaring - a sign it is time to start our day.
We come running when we hear our personal ringtone - a sign that someone is calling.
We glance at our phone when the text tone goes off - a sign that you have a message.
We listen to bells ring at school - a sign it is time to switch classes, eat lunch or go to recess.
We keep our eyes open when driving to see yields, no right turns - signs that keep us safe in the car.
We wait for the red light to turn off on the stove - a sign that the oven is preheated.
We carefully label our businesses - signs that welcome customers in.
We take our temps if our heads feel hot - a sign that we are sick.
We check labels for warnings - signs of what not to do.
We even deliver signs to people when they make a dumb move by saying, "Here's your sign!"

But there is one type of sign that we obsessively look for, desperately searching the skies for a sign. This is a sign that we may or may not see. It is a sign that could be right in front of our face, though we are completely oblivious to it.

This particular type of sign is one that I, personally, yearn to see. It is a sign from Heaven.
A sign from my dad that says, "Don't worry, I am okay."
A sign that says, "I love you."
A sign that says, "I am proud of you."
A sign that says, "I'm here."
A sign that says, "You will be a beautiful bride."
A sign that says, "You will be a great mother."
A sign that says, "I miss you."

But what is it? What does a sign from Heaven, from our loved one really look like? Did you know that they actually make top 10 lists about this? I mean, who sat there and polled the world asking what type of sign they believe they saw and then compiled a top 10 list? But they did ... and here it is. (Though you should know that despite saying they are a top 10 ... they are really a top 9)

1. Dream Visitation
2. Strange Electrical Occurrences
3. Feeling their Presence
4. Smelling their Scent
5. Show up as an Insect, or an Animal
6. Moving Objects or Placing Objects in your Path
7. Communicate a Message
8. Increased Number of Coincidences
9. Visions

If you ask me, this list is pretty vague. So anytime the lights flicker I should assume it is my dad? My grandpa? Anytime a bug crosses my path or a deer shows up, I should assume it is him? I don't know if I buy it.

Saying this, the other day there was a majestic deer standing by the bike rack when I got to work in the morning. We stared, frozen, at each other for awhile - neither of us daring to move. Then a car drove past and broke our trance and the deer gracefully ran away. I admit that for a few moments I did wonder if it was my dad. Ultimately, I thought that it was a nice thought but couldn't say if it was a sign or just another deer hanging out at school, which they commonly do.

How do we know if it is a sign? When is a coincidence a coincidence and when is it a sign? I don't have the answers to this - at all. But I do know that I wish I would obviously, and conclusively receive a sign from above. A sign from my dad who I fiercely miss.

So, here I sit. Begging the dear Lord above for a sign. Hoping that when or if it does appear that it smacks me in the face so that I absolutely know it is what it is.

Say Something

The thing about grief is that it only takes time to move beyond it. When someone is grieving it does not mean they need advice on how not to grieve or even on how to grieve appropriately. When someone is grieving it does not mean that they are in a negative mindset or are in danger of hurting themselves. When someone is grieving it doesn't mean they are looking for someone who "knows how it feels". Everyone experiences grief in their own way. Regardless of how similar your experience was ... it is physically impossible to experience grief in the same way.

This got me thinking about what is an apporpriate thing to say to someone who is grieving and what are things that should be avoided. Obviously, this isn't an all inclusive list and isn't true for every single person ... but I think it is a start. When people respond to someone who is grieving with something that is on the "to be avoided" list, it doesn't make them a bad person. I think as humans we respond in the only way we know how ... and sometimes that makes the griever feel uncomfortable - even though that is not our intention. So perhaps this list will provide some food for thought?


Things You Should Say To Somenoe Who Is Grieving

• I am so sorry for your loss.
• Your dad/mom/sister/brother/child/friend was an amazing person.
• They will be missed. 
• Is there anything I can do to help? 
• Here, have a piece of chocolate. 
• Let's go have a glass of (wine/beer/liquor) when you are ready.
• I'm so sorry you are suffering. 
• What are things I can do for you at work while you are gone? 
• What errands can I run for you?
• Can I grocery shop for you?
• Can I give you a hug? 

Things You Should NOT Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

• How are you? 
• I know excatly how you feel.
• At least ... (you got to say goodbye, had a few weeks, s/he isn't suffering...)
• They are in a better place now.
• God must have needed them for something. 
• S/he is with the angels/God/Jesus now.
• Time will heal this wound.
• You need to be more positive about this. 
• At least they died doing something they loved.
• It was his/her time to go.
• You need to be strong for ______.
• God will never give you more than you can handle. 

We have all been the person that said or did something on the "do not say" list. That doesn't make us bad people - in fact I know that I have done it in the past. Sometimes it is impossible to know what to say unless you have gone through a situtation that requires grief. Even if you HAVE gone through a situation that causes you to grieve ... you still might not know what to say. In the case that you truly have no idea what to say ... the best thing is to be silent and just listen. Give the person a hug and listen if they want to talk. If they don't want to talk ... then just be there. Stand next to them, hold their hand, give them a hug. 

And know, that even if you say something that causes the grieving person to shudder and feel bad ... it isn't your fault. Everybody does it, but here is another great time to think before you speak and treat others how you would want to be treated. 

Finally, loss is loss but it is 100% impossible for you to "know how someone feels" because every relationship is unique.