A Birthday Request

On the eve of what would be my dad's 62nd birthday, I find myself sitting on the couch watching a home video from December 1986. I would've been 3 months old at the time and my twin and I are being passed around the table from person to person. My sisters and cousin are playing with the game SIMON trying to remember the increasingly complicated patterns. My mom is in and out of the kitchen in her baggy shirt and large 80s glasses. My dad sits at the table with a big, bushy mustache and a full mop of hair atop his head. Grandma (Aunt) Marge is proudly showing off her "Grandma Marge" sweatshirt happily explain that all of the grandkids names are on it with "Andy's being somewhere up here." All of this being filmed with a video camera the size of a 10 pound baby.

It is the picture of happiness. The family is all there and everyone is happy and together. Political strife hasn't driven its wedge between opposing parties within the family and all the people I love are there. These were the good old days (even if I only remember them from videos).

I completely realize that I am a glutton for punishment by watching these videos, especially today. Today when I miss my daddy dearly and yearn for what should have been. I also realize that I am *really* lucky to have these videos so that I can still hear his voice, however painful that is.

Fast forward a few minutes in this sadly blurry video and I hear my dad behind the camera calling. "Carolyn! Caro-lynne-poo! Kevie! Kev Kev Kev Kevie! Carolyn! Caro-lynee-poo!" As he tries to get us to look at the camera.  Something he will never do with my children.

Fast forward a bit more to a scene when mom is feeding me with her right hand while shaking a container of wipes with the other to keep my attention. She is speaking to Grandma Marge and lamenting the fact that if she told Caitlin and Kristen to nap they wouldn't, but if Gary did they would go right up and go to sleep. All of this in the midst of a conversation about Dynasty and the magazine "National Star".

My dad was a good great man . He was a man that was taken too God-damned soon from all of us, but he was a great man. He was a man who was focused on helping others even if it meant massive frustration on his part. He wanted to change things for the better and help everyone he possibly could. He was involved in organizations whose sole focus was to help bring those into nature would couldn't go on their own. He wanted to help others and spread kindness until the very end. He led a life filled with acts of kindness.

Ultimately, I don't know who reads this blog ... but my mom has put out a request and I am requesting the same ... tomorrow, in honor of his birthday let's spread those seeds of kindness far and wide. Do something nice for someone else. Give someone a hug who needs it. Do a random act of kindness for which you receive nothing except the satisfaction of knowing you did good. It is the little things that often have the largest impact. Not sure what to do? Look here for some ideas. So if you are reading, spread those seeds and be kind to one another.

This Is Your Sign

We humans live our lives by the grace of signs.

We wake up in the morning to an alarm blaring - a sign it is time to start our day.
We come running when we hear our personal ringtone - a sign that someone is calling.
We glance at our phone when the text tone goes off - a sign that you have a message.
We listen to bells ring at school - a sign it is time to switch classes, eat lunch or go to recess.
We keep our eyes open when driving to see yields, no right turns - signs that keep us safe in the car.
We wait for the red light to turn off on the stove - a sign that the oven is preheated.
We carefully label our businesses - signs that welcome customers in.
We take our temps if our heads feel hot - a sign that we are sick.
We check labels for warnings - signs of what not to do.
We even deliver signs to people when they make a dumb move by saying, "Here's your sign!"

But there is one type of sign that we obsessively look for, desperately searching the skies for a sign. This is a sign that we may or may not see. It is a sign that could be right in front of our face, though we are completely oblivious to it.

This particular type of sign is one that I, personally, yearn to see. It is a sign from Heaven.
A sign from my dad that says, "Don't worry, I am okay."
A sign that says, "I love you."
A sign that says, "I am proud of you."
A sign that says, "I'm here."
A sign that says, "You will be a beautiful bride."
A sign that says, "You will be a great mother."
A sign that says, "I miss you."

But what is it? What does a sign from Heaven, from our loved one really look like? Did you know that they actually make top 10 lists about this? I mean, who sat there and polled the world asking what type of sign they believe they saw and then compiled a top 10 list? But they did ... and here it is. (Though you should know that despite saying they are a top 10 ... they are really a top 9)

1. Dream Visitation
2. Strange Electrical Occurrences
3. Feeling their Presence
4. Smelling their Scent
5. Show up as an Insect, or an Animal
6. Moving Objects or Placing Objects in your Path
7. Communicate a Message
8. Increased Number of Coincidences
9. Visions

If you ask me, this list is pretty vague. So anytime the lights flicker I should assume it is my dad? My grandpa? Anytime a bug crosses my path or a deer shows up, I should assume it is him? I don't know if I buy it.

Saying this, the other day there was a majestic deer standing by the bike rack when I got to work in the morning. We stared, frozen, at each other for awhile - neither of us daring to move. Then a car drove past and broke our trance and the deer gracefully ran away. I admit that for a few moments I did wonder if it was my dad. Ultimately, I thought that it was a nice thought but couldn't say if it was a sign or just another deer hanging out at school, which they commonly do.

How do we know if it is a sign? When is a coincidence a coincidence and when is it a sign? I don't have the answers to this - at all. But I do know that I wish I would obviously, and conclusively receive a sign from above. A sign from my dad who I fiercely miss.

So, here I sit. Begging the dear Lord above for a sign. Hoping that when or if it does appear that it smacks me in the face so that I absolutely know it is what it is.

A Breathe of the Wind

My dad always found himself most at peace in nature. I always thought I was a little disconnected from him in that way. I was never one to sit in a tree stand for hours at the ass crack of dawn holding my breathe for a white tail deer to grace me with its presence. I was never one for pumping my own water and using an outhouse lest a bear get me or the hordes of spiders touched me. I was never one to go to the Boundary Waters Canoe Base in order to canoe for hours at a time, un-showered after using the facilities which just so happened to be a hole in the ground. Oh and that whole carry your  own shit (literally) with you for the rest of the trip? Hell to the no. Then as a teenager I pretended that I enjoyed nature and agreed to hike the mountains of Crested Butte only to whine the entire time. I'm hot. I'm tired. I can't breathe. Are we there yet? I'm sure it annoyed him endlessly. All of this was offered to me along with time with my dad, and yet I preferred to find solace in books and American Girl Dolls.

Realistically it wasn't until college that I really fell in love with nature and hiking. I began to travel and experience the world beyond my own backyard. I began to soak up and find the beauty in the world. I hiked, I walked and I climbed mountains. I spent three summers in Colorado where I felt wonderfully at home and it quickly became my "happy place". The place I imagine myself whenever I feel down or blue.

Now I can find peace in walking trails with the wind swirling around me. I can imagine myself as Pocahontas with all the colors of the wind filling my lungs and opening my eyes to the beauty around me.

It is here that I feel my dad. It won't be at a grave site or looking at his picture - it will be in nature. I can imagine him walking beside me in this solitude as he says, "Can you hear it?" Following which he'll point out and name an obscure animal. It is here that we can share this peace even if I took it for granted so long ago.

The moral of this story? Don't wait for tomorrow for what you hope to accomplish. Spend time with those around you. Learn to love their hobbies, or at least give it a try. Become one with nature and find your happy place. 

Seeds of Kindness

My dad is was a truly spectacular man. He lived his life full of passion for the things he believed in. He loved his family and friends deeply and he always helped others before himself. He was the type of man that would get fired up over the injustices of the world ... but instead of just complaining, he did his very best to make a difference wherever he could to right the wrongs and the wronged. He volunteered for numerous organizations, even when they did not treat him as he should. He helped his elderly neighbors whenever he was given the chance, even if it was in a position that made him feel uncomfortable. He dedicated his life to serving others and eventually paid the ultimate price. He unknowingly touched and inspired so many people across our globe to do better, be better, love better.

Even in his final days, he spoke of helping others in any way that we can and to remain positive. He spoke of having no regrets. Even to the end, he inspired all of us to live positively and gracefully while we continue to help others.

Somewhere along the way ... he started talking about Planting Seeds of Kindness. This phrase came out of nowhere for me and seemed to be something that grew from a spark in his brain. It may have been from long ago ... but of that I am not sure. His mission throughout his battle in Cancerland was to spread as many seeds of kindness as he could. To help others and be the change that we wish to see in our world. We all found ourselves using that phrase pretty consistently whether it be in conversation or on social media. So, that got me thinking about what exactly ARE seeds of kindness? Do people truly know or are they just using the phrase to carry on his memory?

In my opinion Seeds of Kindness are anything that makes another person feel good, anything that falls under the broad category of paying it forward. Ultimately, I think that is a cop out to just saw that, so I thought I would come up with some examples of how we can Plant the Seeds of Kindness to ensure that they continue to grow and spread in order to create a more beautiful, inclusive world.

Seeds of Kindness

• Paying a meaningful compliment to someone. This doesn't mean to just offhandly say, "Uhm, I like your shirt." But to say what you truly feel is spectactular about the other person. 
• Help Someone Out
• Carry groceries to the car
• Help someone cross the street
• Plug someone meter when it is close to expiring
• Take their dog for a walk on a busy day
• Watch their children when they are in a pinch (or when they are not in a pinch)
• Read to a child
• Read to an adult
• Visit a nursing home and spend time with the residents
• Hold the door open for the person behind you
• Be Present
• Sit and listen to someone when they need to talk
• Be a shoulder to cry on when they need to cry
• Laugh with people when they need to laugh
• Hold their hands when they need to feel less alone
• Take a walk when they need a breather
• Drop off some food to someone who is standing on the corner with a sign
• Make and distribute blessings bags
• Clean out your clothes and donate to someone in need (not just Goodwill!)
• Smile at people when you pass them on the street
• Mow the lawn for someone who cannot do it themselves
• Donate food to a food bank
• Write a note or tell someone how/why you appreciate them
• Say Thank You
• Make someone a mixed tape :)
• Become a Big Brother/Big Sister
• Be the first to say I'm Sorry
• Volunteer your time for a worthy organization
• Clean up a park or highway or neighborhood (but be safe!)

Ultimately there are SO many things that you can do to Plant Seeds of Kindness. I have to believe that once you help someone, then they will turn around and help someone else. Helping others feels good and who doesn't like to feel good? 

So go out. Do good. Help others. Plant Seeds of Kindness. Let's make this world a more beautiful, graceful place.