Tomorrow and Other Thoughts

Tomorrow marks one year. It marks one year from our world imploding. It marks one year from feeling the world being spun on its axis and finding it impossible to find your footing. Tomorrow marks one year.

February 16. It is a day that most people won't bat an eyelash at. It is just a day, mid-February. Just a day in the shortest month of the year that always feels like the longest. But for us? For the Green family, it marks one year from the date that we got the worst news. It marks the date that we found out our beloved dad, husband, friend, brother, and son had terminal cancer. A disease that had no end in his body and that had no treatment and certainly no cure.

Tomorrow, a year ago, started like any other day. I went to work and I made plans with my love and a friend of ours. We had plans to double date that night, it was a Tuesday and we had planned to go to Wine Guyz for date night. Even as I sat at home, anxiously awaiting Erek's arrival so that we could meet our friends for dinner, I didn't realize anything was amiss. I didn't feel the slight shift in my universe that would soon come crashing down.

It wasn't until my eldest sister sent me a text asking if I could go out to my parents with her that night that anything seemed wrong. You see, this wasn't something that we did. We didn't just drop by my parents house because it was 30 minutes away, in the middle of the country. People didn't just drop by their house.  You always called or texted or facebook messaged to make sure they would be there after driving the distance. When I explained I had plans and she insisted I come with, I knew immediately that it was going to be bad. Denial set in and I couldn't bring myself to face the facts. Denial set in as I refused to listen to the bubbling terror that started in my toes as it shoved the word 'cancer' to the forefront of my mind no matter how many shields my hear threw in its way. I lived in that state of denial until Erek walked in.

Once he walked in, I crumbled. I crumbled to the floor and felt all semblance of hope going with it. With him by my side I could face the truth no matter how much I didn't want to. I sobbed. And I cried. And I wailed. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person as I explained the few facts that I knew and asked him to drive me to my sister's house so that we could go out and deliver the bad news. He was so supportive in that moment and the far too few weeks to come.

525,600 minutes. That is the amount of time that will have passed since our world exploded. While I can't believe it has been that long even though it feels infinitely longer ... I think to myself about the changes that have occurred in that time ...

Kindness has been spread. He preached the importance of kindness and helping others. His vision has spread and people he didn't even meet are committing acts of kindness in his honor.

Life has continued despite our best attempts to freeze time. I got engaged, my brother remodeled his house, we bought and completely remodeled my moms house, puppies were adopted, children grew and we all became a year older. Tears have been shed, laughter has emerged, and memories have been cherished. Loved ones have married and babies were conceived. The youngest grandchildren happily look at his picture and exclaim, "Bumpa!"

While I know he would have given anything to be here for all the happiness, he would have lost some faith in humanity due to our recent election and with that the state of the Union. The very fact that our government is working to break down the protections we have for our natural world would have hurt him deeply. The very fact that we have to have an "Alternative National Parks" page would have caused great dismay. The very fact that our nation is discussing building a wall to keep those who need our help out, would have depressed him. I am glad that he does not know of this heartbreak.

A lot has happened ... and as we head into tomorrow and and the memories that will most certainly flood our memories and knock us all on our assess in the coming weeks .... I ask that you continue to spread seeds of kindness in his honor. Remember the happy times and work to support those around you who need our help. 

A Birthday Request

On the eve of what would be my dad's 62nd birthday, I find myself sitting on the couch watching a home video from December 1986. I would've been 3 months old at the time and my twin and I are being passed around the table from person to person. My sisters and cousin are playing with the game SIMON trying to remember the increasingly complicated patterns. My mom is in and out of the kitchen in her baggy shirt and large 80s glasses. My dad sits at the table with a big, bushy mustache and a full mop of hair atop his head. Grandma (Aunt) Marge is proudly showing off her "Grandma Marge" sweatshirt happily explain that all of the grandkids names are on it with "Andy's being somewhere up here." All of this being filmed with a video camera the size of a 10 pound baby.

It is the picture of happiness. The family is all there and everyone is happy and together. Political strife hasn't driven its wedge between opposing parties within the family and all the people I love are there. These were the good old days (even if I only remember them from videos).

I completely realize that I am a glutton for punishment by watching these videos, especially today. Today when I miss my daddy dearly and yearn for what should have been. I also realize that I am *really* lucky to have these videos so that I can still hear his voice, however painful that is.

Fast forward a few minutes in this sadly blurry video and I hear my dad behind the camera calling. "Carolyn! Caro-lynne-poo! Kevie! Kev Kev Kev Kevie! Carolyn! Caro-lynee-poo!" As he tries to get us to look at the camera.  Something he will never do with my children.

Fast forward a bit more to a scene when mom is feeding me with her right hand while shaking a container of wipes with the other to keep my attention. She is speaking to Grandma Marge and lamenting the fact that if she told Caitlin and Kristen to nap they wouldn't, but if Gary did they would go right up and go to sleep. All of this in the midst of a conversation about Dynasty and the magazine "National Star".

My dad was a good great man . He was a man that was taken too God-damned soon from all of us, but he was a great man. He was a man who was focused on helping others even if it meant massive frustration on his part. He wanted to change things for the better and help everyone he possibly could. He was involved in organizations whose sole focus was to help bring those into nature would couldn't go on their own. He wanted to help others and spread kindness until the very end. He led a life filled with acts of kindness.

Ultimately, I don't know who reads this blog ... but my mom has put out a request and I am requesting the same ... tomorrow, in honor of his birthday let's spread those seeds of kindness far and wide. Do something nice for someone else. Give someone a hug who needs it. Do a random act of kindness for which you receive nothing except the satisfaction of knowing you did good. It is the little things that often have the largest impact. Not sure what to do? Look here for some ideas. So if you are reading, spread those seeds and be kind to one another.

Seeds of Kindness

My dad is was a truly spectacular man. He lived his life full of passion for the things he believed in. He loved his family and friends deeply and he always helped others before himself. He was the type of man that would get fired up over the injustices of the world ... but instead of just complaining, he did his very best to make a difference wherever he could to right the wrongs and the wronged. He volunteered for numerous organizations, even when they did not treat him as he should. He helped his elderly neighbors whenever he was given the chance, even if it was in a position that made him feel uncomfortable. He dedicated his life to serving others and eventually paid the ultimate price. He unknowingly touched and inspired so many people across our globe to do better, be better, love better.

Even in his final days, he spoke of helping others in any way that we can and to remain positive. He spoke of having no regrets. Even to the end, he inspired all of us to live positively and gracefully while we continue to help others.

Somewhere along the way ... he started talking about Planting Seeds of Kindness. This phrase came out of nowhere for me and seemed to be something that grew from a spark in his brain. It may have been from long ago ... but of that I am not sure. His mission throughout his battle in Cancerland was to spread as many seeds of kindness as he could. To help others and be the change that we wish to see in our world. We all found ourselves using that phrase pretty consistently whether it be in conversation or on social media. So, that got me thinking about what exactly ARE seeds of kindness? Do people truly know or are they just using the phrase to carry on his memory?

In my opinion Seeds of Kindness are anything that makes another person feel good, anything that falls under the broad category of paying it forward. Ultimately, I think that is a cop out to just saw that, so I thought I would come up with some examples of how we can Plant the Seeds of Kindness to ensure that they continue to grow and spread in order to create a more beautiful, inclusive world.

Seeds of Kindness

• Paying a meaningful compliment to someone. This doesn't mean to just offhandly say, "Uhm, I like your shirt." But to say what you truly feel is spectactular about the other person. 
• Help Someone Out
• Carry groceries to the car
• Help someone cross the street
• Plug someone meter when it is close to expiring
• Take their dog for a walk on a busy day
• Watch their children when they are in a pinch (or when they are not in a pinch)
• Read to a child
• Read to an adult
• Visit a nursing home and spend time with the residents
• Hold the door open for the person behind you
• Be Present
• Sit and listen to someone when they need to talk
• Be a shoulder to cry on when they need to cry
• Laugh with people when they need to laugh
• Hold their hands when they need to feel less alone
• Take a walk when they need a breather
• Drop off some food to someone who is standing on the corner with a sign
• Make and distribute blessings bags
• Clean out your clothes and donate to someone in need (not just Goodwill!)
• Smile at people when you pass them on the street
• Mow the lawn for someone who cannot do it themselves
• Donate food to a food bank
• Write a note or tell someone how/why you appreciate them
• Say Thank You
• Make someone a mixed tape :)
• Become a Big Brother/Big Sister
• Be the first to say I'm Sorry
• Volunteer your time for a worthy organization
• Clean up a park or highway or neighborhood (but be safe!)

Ultimately there are SO many things that you can do to Plant Seeds of Kindness. I have to believe that once you help someone, then they will turn around and help someone else. Helping others feels good and who doesn't like to feel good? 

So go out. Do good. Help others. Plant Seeds of Kindness. Let's make this world a more beautiful, graceful place. 

The Grass is Always Greener ... Part 2?

You know it is true what they say ,.. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence... Road...river... State border ... Continent ... Head (I rock the white girl Afro and will never be the I woke up like this model, just sayin').

We, as humans, have an innate need to have what others have. To envy them, for their belongings, home, job, appearance. Why is that? Is it so hard to be happy with what we have?

I write this as I am finishing a strict two day liquid cleanse as part of a 30 day overhaul of my nutritional habits. This two day cleanse had me taking in less than 400 calories a day. I sit hear listening to my stomach rumble for the second time of the day, after putting down a book that outlines in great detail the numerous decadent food options in Paris. Let me just tell you that, yes, it is absolutely possible and appropriate to have a love affair with a pastry as this particular book claims. But that is a story for another day.

As I sit here feeling my body rid itself of toxins and excess fat (okay, I wish I could feel it ...), I found myself thinking:

Damn, my thighs are huge. They are like two elephants wrestling for control of the nonexistent thigh gap.

When did my arms get so flabby? I work out at hours of the morning that shouldn't exist. They should be offering up tickets to the gun show by now.

Why do my calves look like they swallowed a grapefruit? When did they get that big and how do I make it stop? Boot season is upon us and I need to be able to zip them up!

I find myself looking at the crazy thin models and other role models of "beauty" and wishing that I could look like them. Shorter. Skinnier. Perfect hair. Perfect white teeth. Amazing wardrobe.

And then I scold myself because I know that my body is MINE. It doesn't belong to anybody else and nobody else can ridicule it without my direct consent. In fact, there are a lot of people in this world who would love to be my "size" even as I envy others. They want my unruly, curly hair. They would love to be my pant size. And they would even love to be as tall as I am (careful with that one ladies, it's hard to wear heels).

I can't help but ask myself: when do we, as a human race, stop paying attention to the neighbor's yard and start to notice just how green ours is?

Have Courage and Be Kind

Tonight I went to see (for the second time) the live action Cinderella with my niece, Isabel.

There is a strong theme that runs through this movie that is actually one that should be heard loud and clear in our world and taken to heart by every Cinderella loving girl or boy. Surprisingly enough it isn't that a new pair of shoes can change your life - though I do openly and  wholly support the purchase of new shoes... But ... The message was much stronger and much more important than that.

Have Courage and Be Kind

What exactly does it mean to be kind? How do we define kindness?

Interestingly enough my students had a guidance class today which was centered on the idea of kindness. Their substitute guidance teacher started the lesson by asking them what it means to be kind to others? My students fumbled with finding a definition that didn't include the word 'kind'. They shared examples like "well it means to be kind to someone else" or "being kind to someone is well, you know, being kind". Nobody could actually offer up a definition of the word kind without using the word itself. They could, on the other hand, offer up a lot of examples of how you can be kind to others.

Kindness can be defined as being friendly, generous and considerate of others.

This definition doesn't seem too difficult to understand. Be friendly. Be generous. Be considerate. It all seems pretty straight forward to me. But ... if it really is that easy, then, why is it so hard to do?

I think the movie meant their phase "Have Courage and Be Kind" to mean two separate things. Have Courage. Be Kind. Two separate entities. I can absolutely see how that would be the case ... but I would disagree. I think that have Courage and be Kind to others can be seen as one message. Have the courage to be kind to others: be friendly, be generous, be considerate.

It takes courage to be friendly to those who are different than ourselves. It takes courage to be friendly to those who have differing beliefs than we do even if we believe they are wrong to our core. It takes courage to be friendly and not roll our eyes, or provide a snippy comment without thinking. It takes courage to be friendly rather than resort to violence or bullying. It takes courage to be kind.

It takes courage to be generous to those who are less fortunate than we are or to those who are more fortunate than we are. It takes courage to be generous with our time when we offer it up to others even when we have so much on our over flowing plates already. It takes courage to be generous to someone we have never met. It takes courage to be kind.

It takes courage to be considerate of others feelings. It takes courage to acknowledge their feelings and that what we say might hurt them. It takes courage to realize that words are stronger than actions. It takes courage to be considerate of how others might feel when you act out against their wishes. It takes courage to be considerate when standing up for what you believe in. It takes courage to be kind.

We all have loads of s*** piling up in our lives that we need to deal with on a daily basis. We all have trials and tribulations that we are fighting to overcome and we are all on different steps of that journey. And even though we would all like to be egocentric in our thoughts, words and actions ... we need to remember the importance of being kind.

Have Courage and Be Kind.

photo from here

Positive

I always considered myself to be a glass half full kind of person. I tirelessly looked for the silver lining on every gray cloud. I consistently put on a cheerful face and embraced the situation as I experienced it.  I always considered life to be a journey and any mishap just added to the adventure. The adventure being a positive experience that we could learn and grow from. When people asked, I would readily describe myself as an optimist. I had a well oiled perma smile that was ready at a moments notice.

I was a glass half full kind of person.
In public.
At school.
At work.
Around most family members and friends.

But perhaps it is time to ask ourselves just what we are doing to ensure that everyone is a glass half full kind of person, even when in private. A person's true feelings and personality may not shine through in the public eye ... but is blazingly obvious and hard to hide when they are alone or with the person they trust most in the world.

This picture/quote has been floating around the blogosphere for the past few weeks and it really got me thinking. How much do we not know about our neighbors, friends or family and are we contributing to the battle? Are we making that battle that much harder or are we offering people a hand in defeating their demons? Are we doing a rain dance to make that uphill climb muddier, or are we showing up with an umbrella and offering to walk besides them?

There has been a lot of talking in the media of different types of 'shaming' that is going on. Whenever we shame someone else for not meeting the ideals that we consider normal, we are hindering them in finding the silver lining in the battle they are fighting. We are bringing the rain down on an already hurtful situation. We are removing droplets of water from their glass half full outlook and encouraging them to focus on the dark rather than the bright, shining silver lining. 

Every time we ridicule someone for being heavier than what society considers to be a normal weight, we take a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we ridicule someone for being skinnier than what society considers to be a normal weight we take a drop from their glass half full.

Every time we ridicule someone for not having the money to dress in the hippest clothes, as identified by their peers, we take a drop from their glass half full.

Every time we minimize a situation that someone is struggling to overcome, whether it be a breakup, losing a job, or a death in the family of someone too old, too young or not yet met, we take a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we minimize someone's self worth because of their chosen profession or the amount of money they make in a year we take a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we ignore a job well done, or conveniently forget to say thank you, you're welcome or please we take a drop from their glass half full.

Every time we compare ourselves to society's standard of beauty we remove a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we take a drop from their glass half full we rob a person who is typically optimistic their optimism.  We encourage them to see the rain rather than the rainbow. We encourage them to focus on the battle rather than the light at the end of the tunnel.

Is that what we want to be doing? In our society is it our goal to focus on the bad? 

We should be focusing on KINDNESS. Being kind to one other and offering to listen, not fix the problem or fight the battle, but to just listen if they wish to talk. To be there for someone and stand besides them and not minimize their feelings. 

The truth of the matter is, is that we don't know who is plastering on the perma smile only to take it off and cry the moment they are alone. We don't know who is fighting the hardest uphill battle of their lives. They may not know that the light exists and the end of the tunnel and everything will feel normal again soon ... it isn't our job to tell them this. It is our job to offer a kind smile, a hug, or a pat on the back. It is our job to show up with a $2 coffee to start their day off right. it is our job to offer a random act of kindness that does not require retribution. 

If all it takes is a little kindness ... why is it so hard to accomplish?