Let's Make a Deal .... Or Not

The whole idea of dating is terrifying. It becomes even more terrifying when you have a blind date with someone you met online. But online or not the whole process of dating someone can be exhilarating, terrifying, exciting, disappointing and all the other -ings you can imagine. But the ultimate goal of dating someone is to find someone to marry, yes?

I mean not if you are going out with Wants-Only-Casual-Dating-Guy or Check-Out-My-Abs-Guy then I guess you just want casual dating, whatever that means. But, for most of us that are playing the dating game ... we are ultimately looking for someone to spend the rest of our lives with. We are desperately looking for our future husband.

(Or wife! sorry if there are any male readers out there! By the way ... are you single?)

That's a huge commitment. Like one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make commitments. (I guess that's why guys are so terrified of commitment.)

When in the dating game, most people have a pre-determined set of "deal-breakers" that they consult before giving the nod of approval to some random dude. I mean he could end up as your future husband so you'd better be okay with all of his habits before you say yes to the dress.

The whole concept of deal breakers is really interesting. They are a set of things that we absolutely-positively-without-a-doubt cannot live with things that we are looking for in a partner. We try not to have a terrible long list of deal breakers because let's face it, nobody is perfect. But there are always things that we cannot live without.

For me, my deal breakers consist of:
(1) not wanting kids - this is not a question for me. I will be mother some day come hell or high water I will make that happen. If you don't want kids or there is even a chance of you not wanting kids, then you need not apply.
(2) political beliefs - this never used to be a deal-breaker for me...but time's have changed and I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who supports a candidate who is working against everything I believe to be right
(3) drugs - of any kind ... this includes illegal drugs as well as nicotine addictions

Of course I have some hopes for a future partner (taller than me please!) but those are my only 3 deal breakers. The whole concept becomes trickier as you get older and the dating pool gets exceptionally smaller.

You join the online dating pool and you look and look and look but don't see much to your liking. Then finally you find someone you think you would like to meet and a big flashing light pops up when you find out they don't want kids. Do you throw out your deal breaker?

You see people finding love all around you. Engagements, births, new relationships. Hell, even the volcano in a Pixar short finds love against all odds after sinking into the ocean and resurfacing with a lovely she-volcano by its side. Do you throw out your deal breaker?

You think that maybe it would be okay to have someone who supports an opposite political belief than you because there is an overwhelming amount of them ... maybe it isn't a big deal. You just don't talk about politics, right? Do you throw out your deal breaker?

But that's the thing ... they are a deal breaker for a reason. There might be a saying about throwing all caution to the wind ... but maybe in this case you keep the caution tape up and proceed slowly with your life jacket on as you wade through the pool or opportunity.

Dear Future Husband

Not too long ago my ex dumped me. It was a pull-the-rug-out-from-under-your-feet-slam-your-face-into-the-wall kind of dumping. Now don't get me wrong, we've all been dumped before and I'm not asking you to whip out the mini violins and play me a depressing aria ... I am merely preparing you for what follows.

This particular ex is one that I thought I was going to marry. I thought he was my one and only, my lobster, my perfect catch, kindred spirit, my partner. I thought I was done with the dating game, but that was not the case.

Throughout our relationship and during the breakup I found that I identified with many songs that helped support the euphoria or ease the pain. Now that I am post breakup, with occasional wallowing, I am identifying with a whole new set of songs.

The incomparable Meghan Trainor released a new single not to long ago entitled Dear Future Husband. It is a catchy tune that is spot on to what much of the single, female population of the world experiences. Her song is written/sung as a letter to her future husband explaining the many things that he will need to know to make the relationship a success! This song should be a prerequisite for all relationships from this moment forward. You want to date me? Sweet, listen to this song. If you agree, we are golden. If not, hit the road Jack.

So I thought to myself ... if I could write a letter to my future mate, what would I want to say exactly? What would be the most important things to include to ensure a successful and happy marriage? At the risk of not boring you to pieces I have written out only my first five points that I would include in my letter to a future husband.

Dear Future Husband ...

-It is okay to have varied interests. We don't need to do everything together 100% of the time. Go out, be with your guy friends and own it.
-Alone time is good. It is healthy even. Embrace it and revel in it, once the kids come alone time will most likely be few and far between.
-Compromise. Life isn't a one way street. Traffic is going to be coming from all directions and you must do your best to work together to navigate the streets but at some point you are going to need to turn right on red.
-Chivalry isn't dead. I am a modern woman and yes, I can open the door myself, but please do it for me every once in awhile. It makes me feel special.
-Apologize and that goes for me too. It is okay to be wrong but man up and apologize.


What would be yours?

The Men of Online Dating Pt 5

Please Be My Future Husband Guy

Despite everything I’ve already said … this guy does exist. This is the guy whose profile pops up and you feel your breath catch in your throat. You see the pictures and feel the twinge of attraction. You see that he wants children and your heart skips a beat. You scroll down and read his about me section to find out that he has a steady job, owns his own home, wants a wife and children in the future and he is serious about finding a long term partner.

You think to yourself … can this really be true? Through all of the rubble is there actually a sparkling gem peering out? A diamond in the rough perhaps? So you steal your nerves and you send him a message. You wait with bated breath for a response and when it finally comes you feel your heart being ripped out of your chest. For this guy will always be kind enough to respond and let you know that he actually has a serious girlfriend now.

Please be my future husband guy … HIDE your profile when you find a girl. Stopping dragging poor single ladies hearts through the mud by sharing your stellar profile and plans for your future.. It just isn’t right.

However, there are more. Somewhere. You may need to dig a little deeper, break out the pick axe and call your dwarves to help because it is off to work we go. He is out there, I hope, and he can be found. Please Be My Future Husband Guy just requires a little more digging, a little more hope and a little more persistence.

The Men of Online Dating Pt 2

The Wants-Only-Casual-Dating Guy

This guy … This guy is a gem. This is the guy who enters the party with his pants hanging down below his ass, walking in with what can only be described as swagger. He makes his way through the party talking with any eligible girl that he thinks he has a shot at “getting with” that evening.

Online dating with Casual Dater isn’t that much different. He clearly states on his profile that he “isn’t interested in anything serious, only casual dating”. That is the really high-class way of saying he is looking for a booty call. He is looking for a one night stand and for some reason he chose to create an online dating profile rather than logging onto tinder or checking the personal ads of craigslist.

The beautiful thing about online dating is that you can specify that you do not want people like this to contact you for an ‘intimate encounter’. The problem with that? It doesn’t work. If you have been in an online dating situation and NOT been contacted by this type of person? Then you are one in a million, my friend. Count yourself incredibly lucky and then watch your back because it is coming.

Not So Measured Musings

Personally, I think that Beyonce has it all wrong. She is singing an anthem to the single ladies of the world lamenting the fact that if you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it. Maybe she has it all wrong, maybe the goal isn't to finally put a ring on it but just to find someone you may someday have the briefest glimmer of wanting to put a ring on it. The problem is that when you reach a certain age and a certain point in your career path and you find yourself still living the single life ... you stop worrying about putting a ring on it but start worrying about where you may find the man who could someday put it there.

Gone are the days of meeting someone out in the real world in a “meet cute” situation. No longer are we living in the days of Humphrey Bogart and Ava Gardner where the man flawlessly and romantically sweeps a girl off her feet. Gone are the days when you just happen to bump your cart into another as you turn the corner - and the other cart happens to be being pushed by a single, tall, dark and handsome man. Gone are the days of flowers, swooning, opening doors and wooing of ladies.

If all of that is gone … I can’t help but ask myself - is it really worth it?

Well, as long as you are still a hopeless (hopeful???) romantic such as myself you want to think that the dream of the meet cute is still alive. Except, your meet cute isn’t going to happen randomly at the store. It has to happen online as you weed through the millions of profiles of online daters. It has to happen in the bizarrest form of speed dating where instead of talking about yourself, you write a personal ad and hope that one of the millions of fish in the sea take a chance and bite at your hook.

So join me people of the Blogger world ... Join me on the journey of my not so measured musings where I chronicle the trials of online dating, teaching and anything else that comes to mind.