Friend Zoned

Recently, I met someone for dinner that I had encountered in the online dating realm. We talked online, texted a lot and finally decided to meet. Our schedules didn't coincide very well and we live almost 2 hours from each other. We finally found a date to meet, made a plan and got together. Everything was great, we talked a lot and there weren't any awkward pauses but I couldn't get the thought out of my head that he would be a great friend. That's it. A friend.

Now, this doesn't seem like the end of the world. But I suppose, if you are online dating and looking for your forever partner ... deciding that you should just be friends might be a bit ... well ... harsh. When you are looking for the one to love and settle down with and start a family with, being "just" friends kind ruins future plans.


You have to decide how to let the other person down gently.
Do you pretend for awhile? No, because then you are leading them on.
Do you just blurt it out? No, because then you are insensitive.
So you come up with a speech to let them down easy. And then you feel like the biggest prick in the world because he laments to you that he lives in the Friend Zone.

To most women, it doesn't seem like such a bad deal to have guys who are our friends. Especially if those guys are willing to listen to you, hug you when you are sad, and just generally be there for you (bonus if they are funny and make you laugh) so that you can do the same for them without any expectations or strings attached.  But, it seems that to guys ... this is the worst place to be! It is like the Twilight Zone of relationships and nobody wants to be there. I mean, I get it. If I were placed in the Friend Zone by someone I wanted to be in a relationship with, I would be devastated. But ... you never hear about girls being put in the Friend Zone. It is this elusive place where girls aren't allowed.

Men are put in the Friend Zone and women are just told that "he isn't worthy of you if he doesn't want to date you". Why the double standards?

The Friend Zone isn't a new concept, it is represented in many movies and books throughout time. In the Harry Potter series Severus Snape is the epitome of the example of "friend zoned" as he is placed there early on by Lily Potter and never got out. Gale is Friend Zoned by Katniss in the Hunger Games. George is Friend Zoned by Meredith in favor of McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy. Even Forrest Gump is Friend Zoned by Jenny.

So how do we change the Friend Zone to being a positive rather than negative location? Can it be done? Is it okay for males and females to be friends? 

The Men of Online Dating, Pt 6

It has been awhile since I wrote about the men of online dating ... but as I continue in this adventure I realized that I forgot one of the men you'll meet while fishing in the murky waters of the online dating pool.

The You Look Nothing Like Your Picture Guy

Like so many other times, you find yourself aimlessly scrolling through the pictures of your "matches" that the computer has somehow scientifically decided you belong with ... and there he is. His picture catches your eye and causes your scrolling finger to leap off of the track pad and abruptly stop the stream of eyes imploring you to click on their profile.

You decide that while it may be too good to be true you click on the photograph anyway. You open up the profile and start to read. Your eyes are widening in disbelief as this guy seems way too good to be true - could this be the man you are going to date? Will he respond? Because, hot damn, he is one attractive man (and yes, let's all accept the fact that looks come first in online dating as shallow as that may seem).

So you send him a message and start down the long road of getting to know someone. Miracle of miracles, everything goes swimmingly and you find out that you have a few things in common (okay, 2 things but he is really cute). Ultimately you decide to meet.

You pick a location, you put on your best outfit and you drive to the predetermined location. You wait. And wait. And wait. Finally someone comes up to you and tells you that they are the person you are meeting.

Say whaaaaat? You have no clue who this person is. The name sounds familiar but you have never seen this person before in your life. Is it a big misunderstanding? Or have you just been cat-fished?

The downfall of online dating is that people can seriously change their appearances, likes or dislikes to make themselves more appealing to you. People, own it. Own who you are and be honest with each other. What do you think is going to happen when you meet? Do you think she (or he for that matter) will just hangout with you when she has no idea who you are? Ever hear of stranger danger?

On the flip side ... I have encountered Ross Geller in my online dating foray ... and since he is a fictional character (from Friends in case you have been living under a rock) from a 90's television show ... I'm going to go with he is the perfect example of this time of man.

Karma

Today marks the three month milestone since the break up of my ex and I. I don't think about him on a daily basis anymore though sometimes he does scratch his way into my consciousness. I have spent more time in the past three months thinking about Karma and why good things happen to bad people and on the flip side why bad things happen to good people?

I realize that nobody is all good nor are they all bad. I'm sure even the fairest of them all has a guilty obsession or a bad thought here or there. It's only natural. But if we really look at the concept of Karma ...

Do people really get what's coming to them? Does what goes around really come around?

The whole idea surrounding karma is that if you live a good life, then your life will be filled with good things. But if you live a life full of bad deeds, then you will have bad things happen to you. In Hinduism and Buddhism, karma is the sum of deeds in this and all previous forms of existence which will decide your fate in future existence's.

So you start to think about karma and you start to look back at the choices you have made in your life. You decide that you ultimately have lived a good life and have ultimately made good choices. You put others first and helped where you could. You volunteered your time and donated money to charity. You compare that to what you really want in your life and you ask yourself, "What the **** did I do in a past life to deserve this?"

Is it really that simple?

Can we chalk all of our missed encounters or the experiences we have in life to fate or destiny?

If that is true then that means that the widowed mother of four whose home went up in flames did something truly awful in her past life. That the homeless man who won the lottery lived a life of quiet servitude in his past life. That the child who grew up in a home of abuse deserved it from a previous life of bad choices?

Is that karma or just luck? A lot of people have a lot of feelings about the validity of karma. I can't exactly say where I stand.

So, what is it?
Is Karma truth?
Does everything we do in this life have a say in our next life?
If we ruin our run as the Prince, do we return as a pauper?
Or is it garbage? Karma isn't real and it is just the luck of the draw?

I guess we'd better make good choices and BE KIND just in case ..

Let's Make a Deal .... Or Not

The whole idea of dating is terrifying. It becomes even more terrifying when you have a blind date with someone you met online. But online or not the whole process of dating someone can be exhilarating, terrifying, exciting, disappointing and all the other -ings you can imagine. But the ultimate goal of dating someone is to find someone to marry, yes?

I mean not if you are going out with Wants-Only-Casual-Dating-Guy or Check-Out-My-Abs-Guy then I guess you just want casual dating, whatever that means. But, for most of us that are playing the dating game ... we are ultimately looking for someone to spend the rest of our lives with. We are desperately looking for our future husband.

(Or wife! sorry if there are any male readers out there! By the way ... are you single?)

That's a huge commitment. Like one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make commitments. (I guess that's why guys are so terrified of commitment.)

When in the dating game, most people have a pre-determined set of "deal-breakers" that they consult before giving the nod of approval to some random dude. I mean he could end up as your future husband so you'd better be okay with all of his habits before you say yes to the dress.

The whole concept of deal breakers is really interesting. They are a set of things that we absolutely-positively-without-a-doubt cannot live with things that we are looking for in a partner. We try not to have a terrible long list of deal breakers because let's face it, nobody is perfect. But there are always things that we cannot live without.

For me, my deal breakers consist of:
(1) not wanting kids - this is not a question for me. I will be mother some day come hell or high water I will make that happen. If you don't want kids or there is even a chance of you not wanting kids, then you need not apply.
(2) political beliefs - this never used to be a deal-breaker for me...but time's have changed and I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who supports a candidate who is working against everything I believe to be right
(3) drugs - of any kind ... this includes illegal drugs as well as nicotine addictions

Of course I have some hopes for a future partner (taller than me please!) but those are my only 3 deal breakers. The whole concept becomes trickier as you get older and the dating pool gets exceptionally smaller.

You join the online dating pool and you look and look and look but don't see much to your liking. Then finally you find someone you think you would like to meet and a big flashing light pops up when you find out they don't want kids. Do you throw out your deal breaker?

You see people finding love all around you. Engagements, births, new relationships. Hell, even the volcano in a Pixar short finds love against all odds after sinking into the ocean and resurfacing with a lovely she-volcano by its side. Do you throw out your deal breaker?

You think that maybe it would be okay to have someone who supports an opposite political belief than you because there is an overwhelming amount of them ... maybe it isn't a big deal. You just don't talk about politics, right? Do you throw out your deal breaker?

But that's the thing ... they are a deal breaker for a reason. There might be a saying about throwing all caution to the wind ... but maybe in this case you keep the caution tape up and proceed slowly with your life jacket on as you wade through the pool or opportunity.

For The Times They Are A-Changin

They say change is a good thing. They say that everything must change and evolve. They say that the only thing constant is change. They say that time changes things.  They say that change is inevitable. They say, they say, they say.

I know it is an age old question, but who the hell is "they" and what do they actually know?!?!

This week the school year ends. In less than 42 hours my fourth year teaching fourth grade will be over. This year was the first year of Educator Effectiveness. It was the first year we had to prove our worth to the state, to prove that we were effective. It was the first year that our state made the move to not require educators to hold a bachelor's degree in an education related field.
Change.

Typically, I spend the last week of school packing up my classroom for summer and packing up my life as I prepared to move to Colorado for 2 1/2 months. This year, I am not going to Colorado. I am only packing up my classroom with an uneasy feeling deep in my soul, like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with a massively loud clang as it bounces down a flight of stairs.
Change.

Just over two months ago, I was in a committed relationship that I thought was going all the way. I thought that I would have an incredibly busy summer spent hanging out with said man. We are no longer together and I head into summer without a lot of day to day plans and without the mountains to soothe my soul.
Change.

This year I will watch my twin brother getting married. I watch as he plans his wedding with his wonderful fiance. I look at how much he has grown up and swell with pride that my "baby" brother's life is falling into place exactly where it should be. I move towards the feeling that I will be the only single adult in our immediate family. No more buddy system for us single folks!
Change.

So, maybe what "they say" is true. Chang is inevitable. But the real question is what do YOU say?

To quote Avenue Q, "except for death and paying taxes everything in life is only for now." Change may be the only constant thing in life, this is true. The changes in life aren't going anywhere and there isn't anything we can do about it no matter how much we fight, scream, kick, and claw away from it. So, we should have something to say about the change. How we react. How we feel. What we say in the heat of the change - be it good or be it bad. Maybe that should be our goal ... to react to change with poise, elegance and hope and see how it goes down the road.

If that doesn't work ... then bite, kick, scream, and claw your way through life until you find peace because the truth of the matter is that we don't have any control and life will be better once we accept that. :)

(Now if you figure out that acceptance ... please guest author!)

Have Courage and Be Kind

Tonight I went to see (for the second time) the live action Cinderella with my niece, Isabel.

There is a strong theme that runs through this movie that is actually one that should be heard loud and clear in our world and taken to heart by every Cinderella loving girl or boy. Surprisingly enough it isn't that a new pair of shoes can change your life - though I do openly and  wholly support the purchase of new shoes... But ... The message was much stronger and much more important than that.

Have Courage and Be Kind

What exactly does it mean to be kind? How do we define kindness?

Interestingly enough my students had a guidance class today which was centered on the idea of kindness. Their substitute guidance teacher started the lesson by asking them what it means to be kind to others? My students fumbled with finding a definition that didn't include the word 'kind'. They shared examples like "well it means to be kind to someone else" or "being kind to someone is well, you know, being kind". Nobody could actually offer up a definition of the word kind without using the word itself. They could, on the other hand, offer up a lot of examples of how you can be kind to others.

Kindness can be defined as being friendly, generous and considerate of others.

This definition doesn't seem too difficult to understand. Be friendly. Be generous. Be considerate. It all seems pretty straight forward to me. But ... if it really is that easy, then, why is it so hard to do?

I think the movie meant their phase "Have Courage and Be Kind" to mean two separate things. Have Courage. Be Kind. Two separate entities. I can absolutely see how that would be the case ... but I would disagree. I think that have Courage and be Kind to others can be seen as one message. Have the courage to be kind to others: be friendly, be generous, be considerate.

It takes courage to be friendly to those who are different than ourselves. It takes courage to be friendly to those who have differing beliefs than we do even if we believe they are wrong to our core. It takes courage to be friendly and not roll our eyes, or provide a snippy comment without thinking. It takes courage to be friendly rather than resort to violence or bullying. It takes courage to be kind.

It takes courage to be generous to those who are less fortunate than we are or to those who are more fortunate than we are. It takes courage to be generous with our time when we offer it up to others even when we have so much on our over flowing plates already. It takes courage to be generous to someone we have never met. It takes courage to be kind.

It takes courage to be considerate of others feelings. It takes courage to acknowledge their feelings and that what we say might hurt them. It takes courage to realize that words are stronger than actions. It takes courage to be considerate of how others might feel when you act out against their wishes. It takes courage to be considerate when standing up for what you believe in. It takes courage to be kind.

We all have loads of s*** piling up in our lives that we need to deal with on a daily basis. We all have trials and tribulations that we are fighting to overcome and we are all on different steps of that journey. And even though we would all like to be egocentric in our thoughts, words and actions ... we need to remember the importance of being kind.

Have Courage and Be Kind.

photo from here

Positive

I always considered myself to be a glass half full kind of person. I tirelessly looked for the silver lining on every gray cloud. I consistently put on a cheerful face and embraced the situation as I experienced it.  I always considered life to be a journey and any mishap just added to the adventure. The adventure being a positive experience that we could learn and grow from. When people asked, I would readily describe myself as an optimist. I had a well oiled perma smile that was ready at a moments notice.

I was a glass half full kind of person.
In public.
At school.
At work.
Around most family members and friends.

But perhaps it is time to ask ourselves just what we are doing to ensure that everyone is a glass half full kind of person, even when in private. A person's true feelings and personality may not shine through in the public eye ... but is blazingly obvious and hard to hide when they are alone or with the person they trust most in the world.

This picture/quote has been floating around the blogosphere for the past few weeks and it really got me thinking. How much do we not know about our neighbors, friends or family and are we contributing to the battle? Are we making that battle that much harder or are we offering people a hand in defeating their demons? Are we doing a rain dance to make that uphill climb muddier, or are we showing up with an umbrella and offering to walk besides them?

There has been a lot of talking in the media of different types of 'shaming' that is going on. Whenever we shame someone else for not meeting the ideals that we consider normal, we are hindering them in finding the silver lining in the battle they are fighting. We are bringing the rain down on an already hurtful situation. We are removing droplets of water from their glass half full outlook and encouraging them to focus on the dark rather than the bright, shining silver lining. 

Every time we ridicule someone for being heavier than what society considers to be a normal weight, we take a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we ridicule someone for being skinnier than what society considers to be a normal weight we take a drop from their glass half full.

Every time we ridicule someone for not having the money to dress in the hippest clothes, as identified by their peers, we take a drop from their glass half full.

Every time we minimize a situation that someone is struggling to overcome, whether it be a breakup, losing a job, or a death in the family of someone too old, too young or not yet met, we take a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we minimize someone's self worth because of their chosen profession or the amount of money they make in a year we take a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we ignore a job well done, or conveniently forget to say thank you, you're welcome or please we take a drop from their glass half full.

Every time we compare ourselves to society's standard of beauty we remove a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we take a drop from their glass half full we rob a person who is typically optimistic their optimism.  We encourage them to see the rain rather than the rainbow. We encourage them to focus on the battle rather than the light at the end of the tunnel.

Is that what we want to be doing? In our society is it our goal to focus on the bad? 

We should be focusing on KINDNESS. Being kind to one other and offering to listen, not fix the problem or fight the battle, but to just listen if they wish to talk. To be there for someone and stand besides them and not minimize their feelings. 

The truth of the matter is, is that we don't know who is plastering on the perma smile only to take it off and cry the moment they are alone. We don't know who is fighting the hardest uphill battle of their lives. They may not know that the light exists and the end of the tunnel and everything will feel normal again soon ... it isn't our job to tell them this. It is our job to offer a kind smile, a hug, or a pat on the back. It is our job to show up with a $2 coffee to start their day off right. it is our job to offer a random act of kindness that does not require retribution. 

If all it takes is a little kindness ... why is it so hard to accomplish? 

The Trouble with Adulting....

The trouble with adulting is when you say yes. You wouldn't think that such a teeny, tiny three letter word could cause so much trouble. I mean, isn't saying yes a good thing?

Would you like a cookie? Yes.
Would you like a free vacation? Yes.
Would you like some wine? Yes.
Would you like me to pay your loans off for you? Yes.
Would you like 1 million dollars no strings attached? Yes.
Would you like to date this super attractive, down to earth actor? YES, please.

All of those seem like incredibly easy things to say yes to. Complete no brainers. In fact Tina Fey tells us to say yes and figure it out later. But therein lies the problem, at least for me.

I am the type of person that says yes. I am a yes (wo)man. I have a certain brand of tourettes that comes out when people are looking for help at a meeting. Someone asks for help and without even thinking I find myself should "yes yes yes yes yes yes yes" until my name is written down on yet another committee or signed up to plan yet another event.

Picture this:

You are sitting in a meeting, we will call it a staff meeting. You are surrounded by 30+ other people who are all hearing the exact same message you are. Suddenly it comes to the point in the meeting where the presenter is asking, no, begging for help. The, up to this point, noisy meeting has become quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Nay, quiet enough to hear the hearts beating out of people's chests as they attempt to avoid any type of eye contact. You can almost hear the sounds of 60+ pairs of eyes slides from the presenter to anywhere but.

You try your absolute hardest to keep your eyes on your paper. You start to nervously doodle and tap your pen which only draws more attention to you. You feel your eyes failing you as they start to rise toward the speaker, the damn traitors.

You quickly glance up and try to coerce your eyes back to the table before anybody noticed, but it is too late. You made eye contact with the presenter and here is where it all ends for you. You might as well promise the speaker your first born (furry or otherwise) because all bets are lost at this point. It is time to wave the white flag and surrender. You start the staring contest that inevitably ends with you saying yes. You can't take it anymore. Too much eye contact, too much silence. So you start to chant "no no no no" in your mind. Your new mantra - you swear you will take the word NO to the grave. Unfortunately your body has other plans to betray you because no matter how much you scream NO inside your head you suddenly realize that your ears are tuning into the words yes bubbling out of your mouth.

It may not be a strong yes to start. Just a mere whisper. But it is enough. That whisper was heard by the entire room. The presenter comes a little closer and asks you to repeat what you said. Here, in a last ditch effort, you try to get the word no to come out of your mouth. But your body fails you again, and before you know it people are smiling and nodding their heads knowingly in your direction. They may appear to be thanking you for volunteering but in all honesty they have their own mantras running through their heads.

It may go something like this:
Sucker!
I knew she would give in first.
She always says yes so I don't have to.
Maybe I should say yes sometime to give her a break ... HAHAHAHAHA, yea right.
Phew. I survived another meeting without getting roped into another acronym of a meeting.

I don't know if it is a genetic deficiency or what, but for some of us it is nearly impossible to say no. We write notes to ourselves in meetings that say "keep your mouth shut" and then we trace it over and over again whenever we feel the word yes getting ready to vomit its way out of our mouth. Sometimes we even tag team it. When your BFF is getting ready to produce some word vomit of her own we vigorously tap her paper or throw a SHH in her direction. Hopefully it helps. Though if she keeps quiet, then you are dooming yourself to yes-hood. And if someone asks us directly? Then forget it, yes is the only option.

I'm not saying we should never say yes. I am saying that we need to learn how to say it within reason. We cannot keep saying yes and loading our plates so full that they are cracking down the middle. Because suddenly the one crack will spider web its way out and you will continue to super glue it together until it cannot take anymore. It will break and so will you. We need to make sure that when we say yes, we aren't also saying no to ourselves.

On that note ... I leave you with a few creative ways to say no.

• No thank you. This is not a priority for me right now.
• I would rather shove a lightsaber into my eye. Or yours.
• This sounds like the perfect opportunity for you. You would be amazeballs at this.
• I would rather listen to "It's a Small World" on repeat, for 12 hours.
• My gut is telling me I would be terrible for this job.
• Respond by asking them if they would like a cookie. (only if you can pony up)
• "I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request." 
• No way, Jose.