He's a Stand Up Guy

I recently had a blind date set up to meet with a boy (yes, I'm going to call him a boy) that I was conversing with sporadically for the past month on one of those oh-so-lovely online dating sites. This particular guy was out of state for work for the duration of our conversations and so our conversations were not lengthy or consistent in nature. I didn't know much about him but when he asked if I wanted to meet, I jumped at the chance.

Okay. Okay. I'll tell the truth. I didn't so much jump at the chance ... it was more like dipping the tiniest portion of skin into the water to make sure it was at least tepid before jumping in. But I did touch the proverbial toe to the water and agreed to meet him for a drink at a local dive bar.

There were a few days between when the plan was made and the actual meeting so we exchanged numbers. We participated in some "flexting" (flirty texting for those of you who had to look it up like me) and shared last names. With the sharing of last names comes Facebook stalking (don't look so shocked, we all do it!).  It all pointed to being a good blind date especially after vetting the guy with a mutual-ish friend.

Then the day of the blind date arrived. I held strong throughout the morning but come afternoon I started to participate in the Getting Ready for a Blind Date ritual. You know ... showering, picking out an outfit, texting your friends to say you don't want to go, picking out a new outfit, convincing yourself you aren't going to vomit, picking out another new outfit, and, finally leaving. I already went into detail about the drive to the date in a previous post, so I won't go there.

Let's fast forward a bit ...

You arrive and grab a seat at the bar a few minutes prior to meeting time so you aren't playing the deer in headlights when you walk in. You order a drink and you start to wait, looking calm and collect and trying not to stare a hole in the center of your phone.

And you wait. The clock now says 5 minutes past when you are supposed to meet. You decide he must just be running late and you text your friend to confirm. They agree and tell you to wait a little longer, I'm sure he'll be there any second they say.

And you wait. Now it is 10 minutes past when you are supposed to wait. You nervously look around the bar to see if anybody else is sitting alone. You pray that the creepy guy across the bar is not the one waiting for you, but soon someone joins him. You make small talk with the buzzed lady next to you as you pretend you know anything about the Women's World Cup.

And you wait. After waiting for 20 minutes you decide to leave. After 20 minutes, your blind date is no longer late, they are just not coming. You have officially been stood up at the bar.

There could be a billion reasons why someone doesn't show up for a date. They get lost, get into an accident, come in and turn around when they see you. Or in my particular case, they take a nap and over sleep.

Turns out the boy (see why I say boy???) you were going to meet wasn't the kind of stand up guy you wanted him to be.

My final thoughts for the day - never underestimate the importance of an alarm clock!

For The Times They Are A-Changin

They say change is a good thing. They say that everything must change and evolve. They say that the only thing constant is change. They say that time changes things.  They say that change is inevitable. They say, they say, they say.

I know it is an age old question, but who the hell is "they" and what do they actually know?!?!

This week the school year ends. In less than 42 hours my fourth year teaching fourth grade will be over. This year was the first year of Educator Effectiveness. It was the first year we had to prove our worth to the state, to prove that we were effective. It was the first year that our state made the move to not require educators to hold a bachelor's degree in an education related field.
Change.

Typically, I spend the last week of school packing up my classroom for summer and packing up my life as I prepared to move to Colorado for 2 1/2 months. This year, I am not going to Colorado. I am only packing up my classroom with an uneasy feeling deep in my soul, like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with a massively loud clang as it bounces down a flight of stairs.
Change.

Just over two months ago, I was in a committed relationship that I thought was going all the way. I thought that I would have an incredibly busy summer spent hanging out with said man. We are no longer together and I head into summer without a lot of day to day plans and without the mountains to soothe my soul.
Change.

This year I will watch my twin brother getting married. I watch as he plans his wedding with his wonderful fiance. I look at how much he has grown up and swell with pride that my "baby" brother's life is falling into place exactly where it should be. I move towards the feeling that I will be the only single adult in our immediate family. No more buddy system for us single folks!
Change.

So, maybe what "they say" is true. Chang is inevitable. But the real question is what do YOU say?

To quote Avenue Q, "except for death and paying taxes everything in life is only for now." Change may be the only constant thing in life, this is true. The changes in life aren't going anywhere and there isn't anything we can do about it no matter how much we fight, scream, kick, and claw away from it. So, we should have something to say about the change. How we react. How we feel. What we say in the heat of the change - be it good or be it bad. Maybe that should be our goal ... to react to change with poise, elegance and hope and see how it goes down the road.

If that doesn't work ... then bite, kick, scream, and claw your way through life until you find peace because the truth of the matter is that we don't have any control and life will be better once we accept that. :)

(Now if you figure out that acceptance ... please guest author!)

Positive

I always considered myself to be a glass half full kind of person. I tirelessly looked for the silver lining on every gray cloud. I consistently put on a cheerful face and embraced the situation as I experienced it.  I always considered life to be a journey and any mishap just added to the adventure. The adventure being a positive experience that we could learn and grow from. When people asked, I would readily describe myself as an optimist. I had a well oiled perma smile that was ready at a moments notice.

I was a glass half full kind of person.
In public.
At school.
At work.
Around most family members and friends.

But perhaps it is time to ask ourselves just what we are doing to ensure that everyone is a glass half full kind of person, even when in private. A person's true feelings and personality may not shine through in the public eye ... but is blazingly obvious and hard to hide when they are alone or with the person they trust most in the world.

This picture/quote has been floating around the blogosphere for the past few weeks and it really got me thinking. How much do we not know about our neighbors, friends or family and are we contributing to the battle? Are we making that battle that much harder or are we offering people a hand in defeating their demons? Are we doing a rain dance to make that uphill climb muddier, or are we showing up with an umbrella and offering to walk besides them?

There has been a lot of talking in the media of different types of 'shaming' that is going on. Whenever we shame someone else for not meeting the ideals that we consider normal, we are hindering them in finding the silver lining in the battle they are fighting. We are bringing the rain down on an already hurtful situation. We are removing droplets of water from their glass half full outlook and encouraging them to focus on the dark rather than the bright, shining silver lining. 

Every time we ridicule someone for being heavier than what society considers to be a normal weight, we take a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we ridicule someone for being skinnier than what society considers to be a normal weight we take a drop from their glass half full.

Every time we ridicule someone for not having the money to dress in the hippest clothes, as identified by their peers, we take a drop from their glass half full.

Every time we minimize a situation that someone is struggling to overcome, whether it be a breakup, losing a job, or a death in the family of someone too old, too young or not yet met, we take a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we minimize someone's self worth because of their chosen profession or the amount of money they make in a year we take a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we ignore a job well done, or conveniently forget to say thank you, you're welcome or please we take a drop from their glass half full.

Every time we compare ourselves to society's standard of beauty we remove a drop from their glass half full. 

Every time we take a drop from their glass half full we rob a person who is typically optimistic their optimism.  We encourage them to see the rain rather than the rainbow. We encourage them to focus on the battle rather than the light at the end of the tunnel.

Is that what we want to be doing? In our society is it our goal to focus on the bad? 

We should be focusing on KINDNESS. Being kind to one other and offering to listen, not fix the problem or fight the battle, but to just listen if they wish to talk. To be there for someone and stand besides them and not minimize their feelings. 

The truth of the matter is, is that we don't know who is plastering on the perma smile only to take it off and cry the moment they are alone. We don't know who is fighting the hardest uphill battle of their lives. They may not know that the light exists and the end of the tunnel and everything will feel normal again soon ... it isn't our job to tell them this. It is our job to offer a kind smile, a hug, or a pat on the back. It is our job to show up with a $2 coffee to start their day off right. it is our job to offer a random act of kindness that does not require retribution. 

If all it takes is a little kindness ... why is it so hard to accomplish? 

The Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy is a really interesting concept. It can be something that encourages you do to better or it can be a debilitating pain that you find it hard to control. William Shakespeare described jealous as the green-eyed monster whereas others may consider jealousy a disease. Jealousy is something that creeps into your life without you even thinking about it or encouraging it - it is just there.

Jealousy is defined by Webster as "feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success or advantages." I'm not sure that I agree with that completely. Is it really resentment? Or is it flattery? Or is it just an undying longing to have what the other person has - not through resentment but through longing?

So, I can't help but ask myself ... is it really so bad?

Yes. And No. I think it all depends in the execution.

If you fall in the camp of yes, jealousy is a terrible thing then that tells me that your execution - failing. If you don't get hired for the job and you throw a bitchin' fit in the parking lot, stomping and screaming at the applicant that did get hired ... Then yes, jealousy is a horrendous thing. If you are truly feeling unrelenting resentment towards the other person then yes .... jealousy is a terrible thing. But what is resentment is the wrong word?

Let's continue by exploring the no. Is it really so bad to feel jealous of something that someone else has? When I was a child, the mantra was always that jealousy is the highest form of flattery. If someone has the time and energy to feel jealous of you, then that means they want to be more like you. Therefore, on the other side of that coin ... if you feel jealous of someone else, you are really just experiencing some intense feelings of how much you want what they have or want to be like they are.

In elementary school, you are jealous of someone who has a larger pack of unbroken Crayola crayons that you do. You are jealous because they have something that you want.

In middle school, you are jealous of someone for having cooler clothes than you do or being part of the popular group of students. You don't know the word resentment, you just want what they have more than what you have.

In high school, you are jealous of someone for getting the part you wanted in the play but because they are your friend you are still happy for them. You don't resent them, you just wanted the same part they did.

In the adult years, you are jealous of someone for having all of their ducks in a row. You are jealous of someone who is on the right track. You don't resent them and wish away their happiness, you just want it so desperately for yourself that you feel an intense longing. You remain happy for them, and support and cheer them on along their journey. But in your heart, you feel the green-eyed monster peeking out as you hurriedly squash it down to stay hidden. You hope that your skin isn't starting to turn girl as it channels the wicked witch of the west and pray desperately that no one else will notice.

But the truth of the matter is, this is normal. It is normal to feel jealous and want what others want because the grass is always greener.  Someone's sugar is always sweeter and their rainbows are ever brighter.

So, where do we go from here? How do we feel jealous of someone without it ruining the relationship? How do we feel jealous of someone without letting resentment creep in? How do we feel jealous of someone without letting the inner bitch jump out? I guess we take deep breathes, push the monster back down and move on with our lives.

Dear Future Husband

Not too long ago my ex dumped me. It was a pull-the-rug-out-from-under-your-feet-slam-your-face-into-the-wall kind of dumping. Now don't get me wrong, we've all been dumped before and I'm not asking you to whip out the mini violins and play me a depressing aria ... I am merely preparing you for what follows.

This particular ex is one that I thought I was going to marry. I thought he was my one and only, my lobster, my perfect catch, kindred spirit, my partner. I thought I was done with the dating game, but that was not the case.

Throughout our relationship and during the breakup I found that I identified with many songs that helped support the euphoria or ease the pain. Now that I am post breakup, with occasional wallowing, I am identifying with a whole new set of songs.

The incomparable Meghan Trainor released a new single not to long ago entitled Dear Future Husband. It is a catchy tune that is spot on to what much of the single, female population of the world experiences. Her song is written/sung as a letter to her future husband explaining the many things that he will need to know to make the relationship a success! This song should be a prerequisite for all relationships from this moment forward. You want to date me? Sweet, listen to this song. If you agree, we are golden. If not, hit the road Jack.

So I thought to myself ... if I could write a letter to my future mate, what would I want to say exactly? What would be the most important things to include to ensure a successful and happy marriage? At the risk of not boring you to pieces I have written out only my first five points that I would include in my letter to a future husband.

Dear Future Husband ...

-It is okay to have varied interests. We don't need to do everything together 100% of the time. Go out, be with your guy friends and own it.
-Alone time is good. It is healthy even. Embrace it and revel in it, once the kids come alone time will most likely be few and far between.
-Compromise. Life isn't a one way street. Traffic is going to be coming from all directions and you must do your best to work together to navigate the streets but at some point you are going to need to turn right on red.
-Chivalry isn't dead. I am a modern woman and yes, I can open the door myself, but please do it for me every once in awhile. It makes me feel special.
-Apologize and that goes for me too. It is okay to be wrong but man up and apologize.


What would be yours?

The Men of Online Dating Pt 3

The I’m Older and More Experienced Guy

This guy always makes me angry. One of the first things you do on online dating is set the range of ages you are willing to date. The purpose of doing this is so that you don’t have someone twice your age contacting you in hopes of meeting you. Unfortunately, this does not always work.

More than once in my many days of online dating have I had someone contact me to see if I was interested in getting to know one another. Despite the fact that my profile clearly states that the oldest person I would be willing to date at this time is 5 years my senior … sure go ahead and contact me. It isn’t weird at all that you could be my father. I realize that some people find that sexy ... but gross. I don’t want to date my father. I don’t want to find out what an old man’s body looks like nor do I want to learn about the trials and tribulations of growing older. This guy will usually try to make his age a selling point stating that he is very experiences and knows what women want. Here’s the thing grandpa … I want to figure out that kind of stuff with someone who wasn’t lamenting their thirties the year I was born.

Not So Measured Musings

Personally, I think that Beyonce has it all wrong. She is singing an anthem to the single ladies of the world lamenting the fact that if you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it. Maybe she has it all wrong, maybe the goal isn't to finally put a ring on it but just to find someone you may someday have the briefest glimmer of wanting to put a ring on it. The problem is that when you reach a certain age and a certain point in your career path and you find yourself still living the single life ... you stop worrying about putting a ring on it but start worrying about where you may find the man who could someday put it there.

Gone are the days of meeting someone out in the real world in a “meet cute” situation. No longer are we living in the days of Humphrey Bogart and Ava Gardner where the man flawlessly and romantically sweeps a girl off her feet. Gone are the days when you just happen to bump your cart into another as you turn the corner - and the other cart happens to be being pushed by a single, tall, dark and handsome man. Gone are the days of flowers, swooning, opening doors and wooing of ladies.

If all of that is gone … I can’t help but ask myself - is it really worth it?

Well, as long as you are still a hopeless (hopeful???) romantic such as myself you want to think that the dream of the meet cute is still alive. Except, your meet cute isn’t going to happen randomly at the store. It has to happen online as you weed through the millions of profiles of online daters. It has to happen in the bizarrest form of speed dating where instead of talking about yourself, you write a personal ad and hope that one of the millions of fish in the sea take a chance and bite at your hook.

So join me people of the Blogger world ... Join me on the journey of my not so measured musings where I chronicle the trials of online dating, teaching and anything else that comes to mind.