Friend Zoned

Recently, I met someone for dinner that I had encountered in the online dating realm. We talked online, texted a lot and finally decided to meet. Our schedules didn't coincide very well and we live almost 2 hours from each other. We finally found a date to meet, made a plan and got together. Everything was great, we talked a lot and there weren't any awkward pauses but I couldn't get the thought out of my head that he would be a great friend. That's it. A friend.

Now, this doesn't seem like the end of the world. But I suppose, if you are online dating and looking for your forever partner ... deciding that you should just be friends might be a bit ... well ... harsh. When you are looking for the one to love and settle down with and start a family with, being "just" friends kind ruins future plans.


You have to decide how to let the other person down gently.
Do you pretend for awhile? No, because then you are leading them on.
Do you just blurt it out? No, because then you are insensitive.
So you come up with a speech to let them down easy. And then you feel like the biggest prick in the world because he laments to you that he lives in the Friend Zone.

To most women, it doesn't seem like such a bad deal to have guys who are our friends. Especially if those guys are willing to listen to you, hug you when you are sad, and just generally be there for you (bonus if they are funny and make you laugh) so that you can do the same for them without any expectations or strings attached.  But, it seems that to guys ... this is the worst place to be! It is like the Twilight Zone of relationships and nobody wants to be there. I mean, I get it. If I were placed in the Friend Zone by someone I wanted to be in a relationship with, I would be devastated. But ... you never hear about girls being put in the Friend Zone. It is this elusive place where girls aren't allowed.

Men are put in the Friend Zone and women are just told that "he isn't worthy of you if he doesn't want to date you". Why the double standards?

The Friend Zone isn't a new concept, it is represented in many movies and books throughout time. In the Harry Potter series Severus Snape is the epitome of the example of "friend zoned" as he is placed there early on by Lily Potter and never got out. Gale is Friend Zoned by Katniss in the Hunger Games. George is Friend Zoned by Meredith in favor of McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy. Even Forrest Gump is Friend Zoned by Jenny.

So how do we change the Friend Zone to being a positive rather than negative location? Can it be done? Is it okay for males and females to be friends? 

The Men of Online Dating, Pt 6

It has been awhile since I wrote about the men of online dating ... but as I continue in this adventure I realized that I forgot one of the men you'll meet while fishing in the murky waters of the online dating pool.

The You Look Nothing Like Your Picture Guy

Like so many other times, you find yourself aimlessly scrolling through the pictures of your "matches" that the computer has somehow scientifically decided you belong with ... and there he is. His picture catches your eye and causes your scrolling finger to leap off of the track pad and abruptly stop the stream of eyes imploring you to click on their profile.

You decide that while it may be too good to be true you click on the photograph anyway. You open up the profile and start to read. Your eyes are widening in disbelief as this guy seems way too good to be true - could this be the man you are going to date? Will he respond? Because, hot damn, he is one attractive man (and yes, let's all accept the fact that looks come first in online dating as shallow as that may seem).

So you send him a message and start down the long road of getting to know someone. Miracle of miracles, everything goes swimmingly and you find out that you have a few things in common (okay, 2 things but he is really cute). Ultimately you decide to meet.

You pick a location, you put on your best outfit and you drive to the predetermined location. You wait. And wait. And wait. Finally someone comes up to you and tells you that they are the person you are meeting.

Say whaaaaat? You have no clue who this person is. The name sounds familiar but you have never seen this person before in your life. Is it a big misunderstanding? Or have you just been cat-fished?

The downfall of online dating is that people can seriously change their appearances, likes or dislikes to make themselves more appealing to you. People, own it. Own who you are and be honest with each other. What do you think is going to happen when you meet? Do you think she (or he for that matter) will just hangout with you when she has no idea who you are? Ever hear of stranger danger?

On the flip side ... I have encountered Ross Geller in my online dating foray ... and since he is a fictional character (from Friends in case you have been living under a rock) from a 90's television show ... I'm going to go with he is the perfect example of this time of man.

He's a Stand Up Guy

I recently had a blind date set up to meet with a boy (yes, I'm going to call him a boy) that I was conversing with sporadically for the past month on one of those oh-so-lovely online dating sites. This particular guy was out of state for work for the duration of our conversations and so our conversations were not lengthy or consistent in nature. I didn't know much about him but when he asked if I wanted to meet, I jumped at the chance.

Okay. Okay. I'll tell the truth. I didn't so much jump at the chance ... it was more like dipping the tiniest portion of skin into the water to make sure it was at least tepid before jumping in. But I did touch the proverbial toe to the water and agreed to meet him for a drink at a local dive bar.

There were a few days between when the plan was made and the actual meeting so we exchanged numbers. We participated in some "flexting" (flirty texting for those of you who had to look it up like me) and shared last names. With the sharing of last names comes Facebook stalking (don't look so shocked, we all do it!).  It all pointed to being a good blind date especially after vetting the guy with a mutual-ish friend.

Then the day of the blind date arrived. I held strong throughout the morning but come afternoon I started to participate in the Getting Ready for a Blind Date ritual. You know ... showering, picking out an outfit, texting your friends to say you don't want to go, picking out a new outfit, convincing yourself you aren't going to vomit, picking out another new outfit, and, finally leaving. I already went into detail about the drive to the date in a previous post, so I won't go there.

Let's fast forward a bit ...

You arrive and grab a seat at the bar a few minutes prior to meeting time so you aren't playing the deer in headlights when you walk in. You order a drink and you start to wait, looking calm and collect and trying not to stare a hole in the center of your phone.

And you wait. The clock now says 5 minutes past when you are supposed to meet. You decide he must just be running late and you text your friend to confirm. They agree and tell you to wait a little longer, I'm sure he'll be there any second they say.

And you wait. Now it is 10 minutes past when you are supposed to wait. You nervously look around the bar to see if anybody else is sitting alone. You pray that the creepy guy across the bar is not the one waiting for you, but soon someone joins him. You make small talk with the buzzed lady next to you as you pretend you know anything about the Women's World Cup.

And you wait. After waiting for 20 minutes you decide to leave. After 20 minutes, your blind date is no longer late, they are just not coming. You have officially been stood up at the bar.

There could be a billion reasons why someone doesn't show up for a date. They get lost, get into an accident, come in and turn around when they see you. Or in my particular case, they take a nap and over sleep.

Turns out the boy (see why I say boy???) you were going to meet wasn't the kind of stand up guy you wanted him to be.

My final thoughts for the day - never underestimate the importance of an alarm clock!

Let's Make a Deal .... Or Not

The whole idea of dating is terrifying. It becomes even more terrifying when you have a blind date with someone you met online. But online or not the whole process of dating someone can be exhilarating, terrifying, exciting, disappointing and all the other -ings you can imagine. But the ultimate goal of dating someone is to find someone to marry, yes?

I mean not if you are going out with Wants-Only-Casual-Dating-Guy or Check-Out-My-Abs-Guy then I guess you just want casual dating, whatever that means. But, for most of us that are playing the dating game ... we are ultimately looking for someone to spend the rest of our lives with. We are desperately looking for our future husband.

(Or wife! sorry if there are any male readers out there! By the way ... are you single?)

That's a huge commitment. Like one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make commitments. (I guess that's why guys are so terrified of commitment.)

When in the dating game, most people have a pre-determined set of "deal-breakers" that they consult before giving the nod of approval to some random dude. I mean he could end up as your future husband so you'd better be okay with all of his habits before you say yes to the dress.

The whole concept of deal breakers is really interesting. They are a set of things that we absolutely-positively-without-a-doubt cannot live with things that we are looking for in a partner. We try not to have a terrible long list of deal breakers because let's face it, nobody is perfect. But there are always things that we cannot live without.

For me, my deal breakers consist of:
(1) not wanting kids - this is not a question for me. I will be mother some day come hell or high water I will make that happen. If you don't want kids or there is even a chance of you not wanting kids, then you need not apply.
(2) political beliefs - this never used to be a deal-breaker for me...but time's have changed and I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who supports a candidate who is working against everything I believe to be right
(3) drugs - of any kind ... this includes illegal drugs as well as nicotine addictions

Of course I have some hopes for a future partner (taller than me please!) but those are my only 3 deal breakers. The whole concept becomes trickier as you get older and the dating pool gets exceptionally smaller.

You join the online dating pool and you look and look and look but don't see much to your liking. Then finally you find someone you think you would like to meet and a big flashing light pops up when you find out they don't want kids. Do you throw out your deal breaker?

You see people finding love all around you. Engagements, births, new relationships. Hell, even the volcano in a Pixar short finds love against all odds after sinking into the ocean and resurfacing with a lovely she-volcano by its side. Do you throw out your deal breaker?

You think that maybe it would be okay to have someone who supports an opposite political belief than you because there is an overwhelming amount of them ... maybe it isn't a big deal. You just don't talk about politics, right? Do you throw out your deal breaker?

But that's the thing ... they are a deal breaker for a reason. There might be a saying about throwing all caution to the wind ... but maybe in this case you keep the caution tape up and proceed slowly with your life jacket on as you wade through the pool or opportunity.

Getting Ready for an Online Date

This part of the evening is terrifying.

It is a roller coaster of emotions where you go from being excited at the prospect of meeting someone new and the feeling of wanting to throw up everything you have eaten today. It is a constant back and forth between going and picking up your phone to cancel due to some family emergency or sudden illness.

This could end in one of three ways.
1) You reschedule and force yourself to go.
2) You reschedule and cancel on him again.
3) You cancel and then ignore all further communication from him until he finally gives up and takes the hint.

Once you finally decide that you will jump into the scalding hot water that is a blind date … you start to panic because you have no idea what to wear. Even if you are going to a casual locale you have to worry about looking pretty enough, sexy enough, normal enough, interesting enough and all the other enoughs you can think of. Which if you ask me (and since you are reading this you ARE asking me), is a load of crap. Why does it matter? Shouldn’t he like you for being you? Even if being you means showing up in yoga pants and a sweatshirt?? Okay, even I suggest wearing something a little fancier than yoga pants on a blind date … but hey, to each their own.

Honestly, I think that any type of first date should occur when you are at your grungiest. Messy hair, way casual clothes and sans make-up for the ladies. Because honestly, if he can find any semblance of attraction towards you when you are dressed like that? Then there shouldn’t be a problem when you are dressed up. It also allows you to get the awkwardness of the first dressed-down evening out of the way. This is what you get babe, take it or leave it.

So you decide to go, you figure out what to wear. Now what? Now comes what I think is the worst part. Driving to the pre-determined location because he can’t pick you up at your home - what if it is awful and now he knows where you live??? So you drive over there, convincing yourself to calm down, stop sweating, and no don’t you even think about turning the car around. You park, get out of the car and now you have to try to recognize the man you are meeting from a few shameless selfies he posted on the dating site and you pray to the sweet Lord that he looks like his pictures (he I am sure is doing the exact same thing). If you are lucky the place you are meeting isn’t busy. If it is, you get to play the blank faced person standing at the door searching the locale for someone you vaguely recognize.

You finally see each other. Greet each other awkwardly and sit down. Now what? Now you are forced to make polite conversation with each other for a set amount of time to find out if there is a spark. This doesn’t seem too difficult, but factor in the fact that you have been e-mailing for weeks and have already asked the first date favorites question.

If you somehow manage to survive all that you owe yourself a massive drink or a ginormous piece of chocolate. All that remains now is to decide if you want to see him again … or if you get to start the process all over with someone else.

The Men of Online Dating Pt 5

Please Be My Future Husband Guy

Despite everything I’ve already said … this guy does exist. This is the guy whose profile pops up and you feel your breath catch in your throat. You see the pictures and feel the twinge of attraction. You see that he wants children and your heart skips a beat. You scroll down and read his about me section to find out that he has a steady job, owns his own home, wants a wife and children in the future and he is serious about finding a long term partner.

You think to yourself … can this really be true? Through all of the rubble is there actually a sparkling gem peering out? A diamond in the rough perhaps? So you steal your nerves and you send him a message. You wait with bated breath for a response and when it finally comes you feel your heart being ripped out of your chest. For this guy will always be kind enough to respond and let you know that he actually has a serious girlfriend now.

Please be my future husband guy … HIDE your profile when you find a girl. Stopping dragging poor single ladies hearts through the mud by sharing your stellar profile and plans for your future.. It just isn’t right.

However, there are more. Somewhere. You may need to dig a little deeper, break out the pick axe and call your dwarves to help because it is off to work we go. He is out there, I hope, and he can be found. Please Be My Future Husband Guy just requires a little more digging, a little more hope and a little more persistence.

The Men of Online Dating Pt 4

The Check-My-Abs-Out Guy

This guy is actually one of my favorites of the people you meet online. I think this guy is my favorite because he just doesn’t see what he is doing as a problem. This is the guy whose profile you open and when you go to check out the pictures they are ALL incredibly up close and personal photographs of his abs. Now, don't get me wrong every one likes a good six pack ... but please also include your face.

Boys, I don’t know why you think this is an excellent idea but an alarming number of you do. Do you really think we are all that shallow? That we won’t even consider dating you if you don’t prove to us that you have a six pack? Forgetting the fact that this close up picture never shows a face so we don’t actually know that it belongs to you.

Most girls are more interested in what you have to say in the about me section than what your abs look like. Yes, we absolutely need to feel some level of attraction to you if we hope to have a future with you. I’m sorry, but you aren’t going to get down and dirty with someone you aren’t attracted to - that is a fact of life. If you don’t support that feeling … then be sure to search out Wants-Casual-Dating-Only guy.

My advice to abs guy? Also, please include a close up photo of your face. You could be an amazing catch that has the added bonus of great abs but we don’t know that because we have a hard time tearing our eyes away from that photo. (So we still may enjoy looking at it even if it doesn’t get you the date!)

The Men of Online Dating Pt 3

The I’m Older and More Experienced Guy

This guy always makes me angry. One of the first things you do on online dating is set the range of ages you are willing to date. The purpose of doing this is so that you don’t have someone twice your age contacting you in hopes of meeting you. Unfortunately, this does not always work.

More than once in my many days of online dating have I had someone contact me to see if I was interested in getting to know one another. Despite the fact that my profile clearly states that the oldest person I would be willing to date at this time is 5 years my senior … sure go ahead and contact me. It isn’t weird at all that you could be my father. I realize that some people find that sexy ... but gross. I don’t want to date my father. I don’t want to find out what an old man’s body looks like nor do I want to learn about the trials and tribulations of growing older. This guy will usually try to make his age a selling point stating that he is very experiences and knows what women want. Here’s the thing grandpa … I want to figure out that kind of stuff with someone who wasn’t lamenting their thirties the year I was born.

The Men of Online Dating Pt 2

The Wants-Only-Casual-Dating Guy

This guy … This guy is a gem. This is the guy who enters the party with his pants hanging down below his ass, walking in with what can only be described as swagger. He makes his way through the party talking with any eligible girl that he thinks he has a shot at “getting with” that evening.

Online dating with Casual Dater isn’t that much different. He clearly states on his profile that he “isn’t interested in anything serious, only casual dating”. That is the really high-class way of saying he is looking for a booty call. He is looking for a one night stand and for some reason he chose to create an online dating profile rather than logging onto tinder or checking the personal ads of craigslist.

The beautiful thing about online dating is that you can specify that you do not want people like this to contact you for an ‘intimate encounter’. The problem with that? It doesn’t work. If you have been in an online dating situation and NOT been contacted by this type of person? Then you are one in a million, my friend. Count yourself incredibly lucky and then watch your back because it is coming.

The Men of Online Dating Pt 1

The Men Of Online Dating

There might be a lot of fish in the sea … but the question remains, do you want to get caught by one of the available men? There are many types of men that you will encounter when online dating… I never realized just how many species of men there were, but you will meet a lot of them online.

God’s Gift To Women

The man we shall henceforth call “God’s Gift to Women” is an interesting specimen. This is the man who is incredibly full of himself and who is not asking what he can do for you, but more importantly, what you can do for him! God’s Gift to Women is usually quite attractive and so it can be hard to look past the striking beauty to see the jerk that lies within. But a jerk he is and eventually you will see his true colors flying free. This is the guy who will tell you that you are still single because you enjoy the comforts of yoga pants. You obviously don’t know how to dress for your man!

God’s Gift To Women has no concern whatsoever in being chivalrous. His idea of an opening line is to tell you his shirt is made of boyfriend material and in the same breath tell you he looks good. In the world of online dating, you can see a glimpse into his true personality by reading his about me section.

If you do decide to take the time to scroll down and look in the about me section you will see such compelling, thoughtful statements such as “I’m looking for a girl who dresses sexy to keep her man interested” and ‘I’m looking for a girl who knows how to make her man happy” quickly followed by “I like a girl with a nice, firm ass.” And ladies? If you are still blinded by the beauty and decide to date this guy, you can look forward to a completely stress free first date at the gym. Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll let you be his spotter.

Not So Measured Musings

Personally, I think that Beyonce has it all wrong. She is singing an anthem to the single ladies of the world lamenting the fact that if you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it. Maybe she has it all wrong, maybe the goal isn't to finally put a ring on it but just to find someone you may someday have the briefest glimmer of wanting to put a ring on it. The problem is that when you reach a certain age and a certain point in your career path and you find yourself still living the single life ... you stop worrying about putting a ring on it but start worrying about where you may find the man who could someday put it there.

Gone are the days of meeting someone out in the real world in a “meet cute” situation. No longer are we living in the days of Humphrey Bogart and Ava Gardner where the man flawlessly and romantically sweeps a girl off her feet. Gone are the days when you just happen to bump your cart into another as you turn the corner - and the other cart happens to be being pushed by a single, tall, dark and handsome man. Gone are the days of flowers, swooning, opening doors and wooing of ladies.

If all of that is gone … I can’t help but ask myself - is it really worth it?

Well, as long as you are still a hopeless (hopeful???) romantic such as myself you want to think that the dream of the meet cute is still alive. Except, your meet cute isn’t going to happen randomly at the store. It has to happen online as you weed through the millions of profiles of online daters. It has to happen in the bizarrest form of speed dating where instead of talking about yourself, you write a personal ad and hope that one of the millions of fish in the sea take a chance and bite at your hook.

So join me people of the Blogger world ... Join me on the journey of my not so measured musings where I chronicle the trials of online dating, teaching and anything else that comes to mind.