2016

So, it has been awhile since I posted last and for that I apologize. Writer's block and all that. But today, as it is the last day of the year I thought I'd share some measured musing.

2016 ... you've been a bitch. In this past year I've learned a lot, discovered a lot and cried a lot.

I learned what it felt like to experience an earth-shattering loss. The loss of my dad this year was not something I expected to experience in my 29th year of life. I thought I would experience that in my 50 or 60th year of life. I wasn't prepared. Though I don't know that anyone can actually be ready for this type of situation. His illness was a shit storm of bad news that we could never actually process or accept in those short 5 1/2 weeks. After his death, I learned what it was like to create a new normal when you still felt the Gary Green sized hole in your heart. His absence is massive and we will never stop feeling that.

Throughout the grieving process, I learned what people should not say to someone who is grieving. I learned this through what people said to me and even through the head tilt, and now I can hope to know what to say to others as they experience loss within their own lives.

I learned what an impact my dad had on others. It is incredible to continue to discover how he touched so many others.

I learned that your family is your most important circle. Keep them close. Love them. Support them. And thank your lucky stars that you have them. Even though you may not always get along, they are the ones that will go to war for you.

I cried. A lot. I cried at times when I couldn't even identify what made me cry. I cried in loss. I cried in frustration. I even cried in happiness. When my best friend proposed to me I cried out of happiness (after the shock wore off at least). I couldn't believe that this was happening to me, in fact I looked at him and asked, "Are you kidding me right now?" before saying yes! I cried out of immense happiness.

I discovered that I fear for our future after our presidential election. I worry about a future with a president who does not have a filter and clearly does not support women, public schools or minorities. I worry about those that voted for him because I don't understand.

I discovered that people are wrong. They like to say that in times of distress you learn who your true friends are. I call their bluff. Yes, it is INCREDIBLE the number of people who come out of the walls to help you when you are struggling. And that is truly amazing and I am so grateful for those who did. But I think that you discover who your true friends are after the loss has occurred and everyone returns to their daily routines. Your true friends are those who continue to ask how you are doing and want to spend time with you even though your time of distress was months ago.

I learned that I need to not care so much about what others say or think about me. I am me, and if you don't like it then suck it up buttercup. Obviously, I can't make that a resolution or anything because I will never stop taking it personally. But I should. I shouldn't let other's opinions of me affect my mood and self-esteem. I shouldn't, but I do.

2016 was a rough year for many. Many people experienced loss of a loved one far too soon. Many people experienced heart ache. Many people experienced frustrations, trials, tribulations and hard times. But if I have learned anything in 2016 it is to spread kindness and hold onto the good things.

So, as we move into 2017 let's all focus on a bright new year. Hold your loved ones close, be kind to one another even if they aren't like you and you don't understand their lifestyle, help those who need help, and focus on the positive.

xoxo

Seeds of Kindness

My dad is was a truly spectacular man. He lived his life full of passion for the things he believed in. He loved his family and friends deeply and he always helped others before himself. He was the type of man that would get fired up over the injustices of the world ... but instead of just complaining, he did his very best to make a difference wherever he could to right the wrongs and the wronged. He volunteered for numerous organizations, even when they did not treat him as he should. He helped his elderly neighbors whenever he was given the chance, even if it was in a position that made him feel uncomfortable. He dedicated his life to serving others and eventually paid the ultimate price. He unknowingly touched and inspired so many people across our globe to do better, be better, love better.

Even in his final days, he spoke of helping others in any way that we can and to remain positive. He spoke of having no regrets. Even to the end, he inspired all of us to live positively and gracefully while we continue to help others.

Somewhere along the way ... he started talking about Planting Seeds of Kindness. This phrase came out of nowhere for me and seemed to be something that grew from a spark in his brain. It may have been from long ago ... but of that I am not sure. His mission throughout his battle in Cancerland was to spread as many seeds of kindness as he could. To help others and be the change that we wish to see in our world. We all found ourselves using that phrase pretty consistently whether it be in conversation or on social media. So, that got me thinking about what exactly ARE seeds of kindness? Do people truly know or are they just using the phrase to carry on his memory?

In my opinion Seeds of Kindness are anything that makes another person feel good, anything that falls under the broad category of paying it forward. Ultimately, I think that is a cop out to just saw that, so I thought I would come up with some examples of how we can Plant the Seeds of Kindness to ensure that they continue to grow and spread in order to create a more beautiful, inclusive world.

Seeds of Kindness

• Paying a meaningful compliment to someone. This doesn't mean to just offhandly say, "Uhm, I like your shirt." But to say what you truly feel is spectactular about the other person. 
• Help Someone Out
• Carry groceries to the car
• Help someone cross the street
• Plug someone meter when it is close to expiring
• Take their dog for a walk on a busy day
• Watch their children when they are in a pinch (or when they are not in a pinch)
• Read to a child
• Read to an adult
• Visit a nursing home and spend time with the residents
• Hold the door open for the person behind you
• Be Present
• Sit and listen to someone when they need to talk
• Be a shoulder to cry on when they need to cry
• Laugh with people when they need to laugh
• Hold their hands when they need to feel less alone
• Take a walk when they need a breather
• Drop off some food to someone who is standing on the corner with a sign
• Make and distribute blessings bags
• Clean out your clothes and donate to someone in need (not just Goodwill!)
• Smile at people when you pass them on the street
• Mow the lawn for someone who cannot do it themselves
• Donate food to a food bank
• Write a note or tell someone how/why you appreciate them
• Say Thank You
• Make someone a mixed tape :)
• Become a Big Brother/Big Sister
• Be the first to say I'm Sorry
• Volunteer your time for a worthy organization
• Clean up a park or highway or neighborhood (but be safe!)

Ultimately there are SO many things that you can do to Plant Seeds of Kindness. I have to believe that once you help someone, then they will turn around and help someone else. Helping others feels good and who doesn't like to feel good? 

So go out. Do good. Help others. Plant Seeds of Kindness. Let's make this world a more beautiful, graceful place. 

Friend Zoned

Recently, I met someone for dinner that I had encountered in the online dating realm. We talked online, texted a lot and finally decided to meet. Our schedules didn't coincide very well and we live almost 2 hours from each other. We finally found a date to meet, made a plan and got together. Everything was great, we talked a lot and there weren't any awkward pauses but I couldn't get the thought out of my head that he would be a great friend. That's it. A friend.

Now, this doesn't seem like the end of the world. But I suppose, if you are online dating and looking for your forever partner ... deciding that you should just be friends might be a bit ... well ... harsh. When you are looking for the one to love and settle down with and start a family with, being "just" friends kind ruins future plans.


You have to decide how to let the other person down gently.
Do you pretend for awhile? No, because then you are leading them on.
Do you just blurt it out? No, because then you are insensitive.
So you come up with a speech to let them down easy. And then you feel like the biggest prick in the world because he laments to you that he lives in the Friend Zone.

To most women, it doesn't seem like such a bad deal to have guys who are our friends. Especially if those guys are willing to listen to you, hug you when you are sad, and just generally be there for you (bonus if they are funny and make you laugh) so that you can do the same for them without any expectations or strings attached.  But, it seems that to guys ... this is the worst place to be! It is like the Twilight Zone of relationships and nobody wants to be there. I mean, I get it. If I were placed in the Friend Zone by someone I wanted to be in a relationship with, I would be devastated. But ... you never hear about girls being put in the Friend Zone. It is this elusive place where girls aren't allowed.

Men are put in the Friend Zone and women are just told that "he isn't worthy of you if he doesn't want to date you". Why the double standards?

The Friend Zone isn't a new concept, it is represented in many movies and books throughout time. In the Harry Potter series Severus Snape is the epitome of the example of "friend zoned" as he is placed there early on by Lily Potter and never got out. Gale is Friend Zoned by Katniss in the Hunger Games. George is Friend Zoned by Meredith in favor of McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy. Even Forrest Gump is Friend Zoned by Jenny.

So how do we change the Friend Zone to being a positive rather than negative location? Can it be done? Is it okay for males and females to be friends? 

The Men of Online Dating, Pt 6

It has been awhile since I wrote about the men of online dating ... but as I continue in this adventure I realized that I forgot one of the men you'll meet while fishing in the murky waters of the online dating pool.

The You Look Nothing Like Your Picture Guy

Like so many other times, you find yourself aimlessly scrolling through the pictures of your "matches" that the computer has somehow scientifically decided you belong with ... and there he is. His picture catches your eye and causes your scrolling finger to leap off of the track pad and abruptly stop the stream of eyes imploring you to click on their profile.

You decide that while it may be too good to be true you click on the photograph anyway. You open up the profile and start to read. Your eyes are widening in disbelief as this guy seems way too good to be true - could this be the man you are going to date? Will he respond? Because, hot damn, he is one attractive man (and yes, let's all accept the fact that looks come first in online dating as shallow as that may seem).

So you send him a message and start down the long road of getting to know someone. Miracle of miracles, everything goes swimmingly and you find out that you have a few things in common (okay, 2 things but he is really cute). Ultimately you decide to meet.

You pick a location, you put on your best outfit and you drive to the predetermined location. You wait. And wait. And wait. Finally someone comes up to you and tells you that they are the person you are meeting.

Say whaaaaat? You have no clue who this person is. The name sounds familiar but you have never seen this person before in your life. Is it a big misunderstanding? Or have you just been cat-fished?

The downfall of online dating is that people can seriously change their appearances, likes or dislikes to make themselves more appealing to you. People, own it. Own who you are and be honest with each other. What do you think is going to happen when you meet? Do you think she (or he for that matter) will just hangout with you when she has no idea who you are? Ever hear of stranger danger?

On the flip side ... I have encountered Ross Geller in my online dating foray ... and since he is a fictional character (from Friends in case you have been living under a rock) from a 90's television show ... I'm going to go with he is the perfect example of this time of man.